Here is a letter I received with a request for my advice. This is an example of a guy who doesn't need superficial help because nothing superficial is going to work for him. It's not going to matter how many "sets" he is prodded to approach. What's going on with him is much deeper than a little bit of social anxiety.
I don't have time right now, but when I get a moment, I'll go through his letter paragraph by paragraph and show you all how I would work with this guy if he were standing in front of me right now.
Life is definitely meant to be much more joyful than this!!
****************************************************************
Tonight was supposed to be my night to finally begin the journey of ACTUALLY turning over a new leaf in my personal life and my relationship with the female population. I was so excited to get a good hair cut, have some rather decent clothes bought for me, go out on the town, and FINALLY put into use what I've been reading my heart out for the last 2-3 weeks.
It's really quite ironic. I thought to myself, "I've been given the keys to all of my worries. All I have to do is unlock the door and walk through. I can't believe when I'm watching The Pick-Up Artist on VH1 and seeing these guys being HAND TAUGHT by Mystery, Matador, etc. and still choking. I won't be like that." I've read all the books, read all the horror AND success stories, watched the YouTube clips of live action, and done just about everything I can possibly do to prepare myself for the new life I'm about to begin.
I, quite simply, choked.
Since it was my friend's birthday, I went to meet up with her and another couple so that we could go start the evening. The VERY FIRST THING the birthday girl said to me was, "Oh no, you cut your hair! I TOLD YOU I like it better when it's long and you haven't cut it!" Great. $40 spent on an awesome hair cut (or so I thought) and I get cut down right off the bat by someone who's supposed to be one of my closest and most supportive friends.
Still, I attempt to maintain a positive energy heading into the night.
[Restaurant] for dinner. Not only do I not approach any sets, but my OWN FRIENDS pretty much ignore me the whole time and only stop to then turn to me and comment on how I need to drink more so I'll be talkative. Getting more and more beta by the second it seems.
We go across the street to [Bar]. TONS upon TONS of HBs everywhere. So many sets I could open, but I instead stick to my friends, sitting there at the end of a table talking to no one, nursing a drink and making chit-chat with whomever decides to take pity on me and talk. Even though I'm having a genuinely decent time with my friends, the fact that I mentally acknowledge the presence, logistics, and even PREPARE MY ROUTINES for all of these sets, and then walk past them without smiling or so much as saying a word, devastates me more than at any point before in my social life.
I feel diminutive. Inadequate. Self-conscious. It's basically a complete and utter meltdown on the inside. I proceed to have a few more drinks, get buzzed, and finally manage to string together a couple lines of dialogue with some fellow AFCs going in and out of the bathroom. Awesome. What a friggin' PUA I am...
Honestly, I wouldn't normally even tell anyone about this. I'd pretend like it never happened, roll on with my life, and live with the shame forever. I'd beat myself up for the next week, then feel sorry for myself, then probably eat until I gained another 10 pounds to add on to my disgusting body.
However, I hope the end result from posting this is that I will get some responses from others who have either been in my shoes and can maybe help me out of it, or someone who can just slap me silly and help me get out of my retarded head. Clearly, even though I spent the last week preparing and ensuring that I would be ready for this night, I couldn't pull the trigger when the spotlight was on. Something is not right. Even as I'm typing this, I can't BELIEVE that I honestly went that whole night and couldn't force up the balls to even do the simplest thing to put a foot in the right direction: opening a set. Even if it went nowhere and I prematurely ejectulated, at least I would've done that much.
Disgusting, just disgusting. I'm so ashamed of myself it's infuriating.
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
Sunday, June 28, 2009
Erika asks some questions ... and would like some answers
1. a. Is it normal to feel intense heat in my body for about five minutes PRIOR to receiving messages on my iPhone from a particular person ... is this the Universe's latest version of specific ringer tones for specific callers?
1. b. What does the intense heat mean?
2. Is it normal to receive this autoreply when attempting to respond to a private message that I received on a forum? "Jesus has chosen not to receive private messages or may not be allowed to receive private messages. Therefore you may not send your message to him/her."
1. b. What does the intense heat mean?
2. Is it normal to receive this autoreply when attempting to respond to a private message that I received on a forum? "Jesus has chosen not to receive private messages or may not be allowed to receive private messages. Therefore you may not send your message to him/her."
Saturday, June 27, 2009
The Power of Your Vibration: More on Non-Verbal Seduction
Last night Player Girl (PG for short) and I went out to one of our favorite venues: Americano.
Earlier in the week, on Wednesday night, she and I went out to one of our other favorite venues.
The radical difference in our experiences during the two evenings is really instructive about the power of vibration (which is a person's "emotional resonance"), for both men and women.
Wednesday Night
On Wednesday night, PG was really upset about something. But she was resisting feeling her feelings. Instead of feeling them, she was running around in circles in her head. She was stuck in a "story." She was stuck in logic and analysis.
Honestly, it felt awful. I was tuned in to her, so I could feel all our energy up in the head space. It felt like my head was in a vice, with tight bands crushing my skull. The energy felt so, so heavy and painful.
To get some relief, I was trying to get her to ground her energy back in her body. She was relaying a story, and I kept saying, "I don't care what happened or what he was thinking ... how did you FEEL?"
For a moment, she would admit the feeling: sadness, disappointment, jealousy, confusion, outrage.
But then she would start arguing with the feeling. She'd say "but I have no right to feel that way." Immediately, we were back up in head space, going in circles.
So I said, "don't argue with your feelings, don't worry if they are justified or not, don't worry about what other people may think of your feelings, just FEEL them."
Finally, I grabbed her hand and started tapping on her karate chop point (Emotional Freedom Technique). Within three minutes, she started crying. She didn't want to bawl right there in the middle of the venue, so I requested that she do a bunch of tapping and crying once she got home.
Interestingly, we were not approached by any men the entire evening.
She did go home and cry though. She said she pretty much cried non-stop for the next 48 hours.
Friday Night
Last night felt entirely different. PG had released much of the emotional weight by using Emotional Freedom Technique on her sadness. We were solidly grounded in presence, in the world of feeling and intuition. It feels like being underwater almost, with everything moving languidly and in slow motion. It feels relaxed and quiet and sensual.
So when we entered the venue, I said: "Do you feel the space we're in right now, and how different it is than the space we were in on Wednesday night? This is Presence. This is my home, this is the world of feeling, this is the only space I want to hang out in anymore."
So what happened?
We sat at our little table sipping wine and eating appetizers, and we were approached by an endless stream of men. Probably 20 at least, including one guy that PG has had a crush on for a long time and who has never shown active interest in her before. Even when we were engrossed in conversation between the two of us, men would approach and stop and stand there.
The only difference between the two evenings was our emotional resonance and vibration, which had shifted dramatically because she was willing to feel and release her feelings from two nights earlier. Because she was willing to do that, everyone could feel our presence and openness.
It wasn't just men approaching either. Each time we wanted food or drink, a waiter or bartender would magically appear out of nowhere. Men delivered glasses of wine to us even after we had stopped talking to them and without us even requesting it, giving to us without expecting anything in return. It felt like the whole world wanted to be at our service.
The Same Principle Works for Men
Another very interesting thing happened. Before PG and I sat at our little table, we went up to the bar to get a glass of wine. While standing there, we were approached by several men, and I noticed a very striking contrast between two of them.
The first one approached and started talking to us. He initiated, and I immediately felt PG's body language shift away from him. She put up a little wall, and he got nowhere with us.
The second one approached and stood right next to me, on my right. PG was on my left. I felt the firm softness of his presence immediately. Then, much to my surprise because she virtually NEVER opens men, PG energetically reached across me and started a conversation with him. We talked to him for a while, and I noticed that his gaze was super steady, his pupils were super dilated, his presence felt sexual, and he seemed very relaxed. I felt an immediate deep connection. He and I talked again later. He has some connection with the seduction community, which I hope to learn more about soon.
Afterwards, I pointed out to PG the contrast in her reactions to the two men, and she had not noticed consciously. I said, "but do you see how you did notice UNCONSCIOUSLY, even if you weren't aware of it." Once I described everything I had noticed, she saw it too. She had not even noticed that she talked to the guy first, before he had even opened us.
This is what is happening ALL THE TIME, in all of our interactions with all people. What we do and say is far less important that what our vibration and emotional resonance is doing and saying. Most communication is silent.
Here is an earlier post about Hypnotica and non-verbal seduction.
Oh, by the way, if you like this blog, please support me by subscribing and following (buttons in the right-hand side bar) and by sharing the blog with your friends. Thank you!!
Earlier in the week, on Wednesday night, she and I went out to one of our other favorite venues.
The radical difference in our experiences during the two evenings is really instructive about the power of vibration (which is a person's "emotional resonance"), for both men and women.
Wednesday Night
On Wednesday night, PG was really upset about something. But she was resisting feeling her feelings. Instead of feeling them, she was running around in circles in her head. She was stuck in a "story." She was stuck in logic and analysis.
Honestly, it felt awful. I was tuned in to her, so I could feel all our energy up in the head space. It felt like my head was in a vice, with tight bands crushing my skull. The energy felt so, so heavy and painful.
To get some relief, I was trying to get her to ground her energy back in her body. She was relaying a story, and I kept saying, "I don't care what happened or what he was thinking ... how did you FEEL?"
For a moment, she would admit the feeling: sadness, disappointment, jealousy, confusion, outrage.
But then she would start arguing with the feeling. She'd say "but I have no right to feel that way." Immediately, we were back up in head space, going in circles.
So I said, "don't argue with your feelings, don't worry if they are justified or not, don't worry about what other people may think of your feelings, just FEEL them."
Finally, I grabbed her hand and started tapping on her karate chop point (Emotional Freedom Technique). Within three minutes, she started crying. She didn't want to bawl right there in the middle of the venue, so I requested that she do a bunch of tapping and crying once she got home.
Interestingly, we were not approached by any men the entire evening.
She did go home and cry though. She said she pretty much cried non-stop for the next 48 hours.
Friday Night
Last night felt entirely different. PG had released much of the emotional weight by using Emotional Freedom Technique on her sadness. We were solidly grounded in presence, in the world of feeling and intuition. It feels like being underwater almost, with everything moving languidly and in slow motion. It feels relaxed and quiet and sensual.
So when we entered the venue, I said: "Do you feel the space we're in right now, and how different it is than the space we were in on Wednesday night? This is Presence. This is my home, this is the world of feeling, this is the only space I want to hang out in anymore."
So what happened?
We sat at our little table sipping wine and eating appetizers, and we were approached by an endless stream of men. Probably 20 at least, including one guy that PG has had a crush on for a long time and who has never shown active interest in her before. Even when we were engrossed in conversation between the two of us, men would approach and stop and stand there.
The only difference between the two evenings was our emotional resonance and vibration, which had shifted dramatically because she was willing to feel and release her feelings from two nights earlier. Because she was willing to do that, everyone could feel our presence and openness.
It wasn't just men approaching either. Each time we wanted food or drink, a waiter or bartender would magically appear out of nowhere. Men delivered glasses of wine to us even after we had stopped talking to them and without us even requesting it, giving to us without expecting anything in return. It felt like the whole world wanted to be at our service.
The Same Principle Works for Men
Another very interesting thing happened. Before PG and I sat at our little table, we went up to the bar to get a glass of wine. While standing there, we were approached by several men, and I noticed a very striking contrast between two of them.
The first one approached and started talking to us. He initiated, and I immediately felt PG's body language shift away from him. She put up a little wall, and he got nowhere with us.
The second one approached and stood right next to me, on my right. PG was on my left. I felt the firm softness of his presence immediately. Then, much to my surprise because she virtually NEVER opens men, PG energetically reached across me and started a conversation with him. We talked to him for a while, and I noticed that his gaze was super steady, his pupils were super dilated, his presence felt sexual, and he seemed very relaxed. I felt an immediate deep connection. He and I talked again later. He has some connection with the seduction community, which I hope to learn more about soon.
Afterwards, I pointed out to PG the contrast in her reactions to the two men, and she had not noticed consciously. I said, "but do you see how you did notice UNCONSCIOUSLY, even if you weren't aware of it." Once I described everything I had noticed, she saw it too. She had not even noticed that she talked to the guy first, before he had even opened us.
This is what is happening ALL THE TIME, in all of our interactions with all people. What we do and say is far less important that what our vibration and emotional resonance is doing and saying. Most communication is silent.
Here is an earlier post about Hypnotica and non-verbal seduction.
Oh, by the way, if you like this blog, please support me by subscribing and following (buttons in the right-hand side bar) and by sharing the blog with your friends. Thank you!!
Thursday, June 25, 2009
"Brother, there is no death"
Someone is helping me tonight. I can feel it. It feels warm and lovely.
This post is dedicated to the woman with stage four breast cancer that Matrix Guy told me about tonight. He was sad, and he wants to contribute. He wants to help.
So here are the links I would recommend as starters:
"Brother, there is no death"
Brother, there is no death. And this you learn when you but wish to show your brother that you had no hurt of him. He thinks your blood is on his hands, and so he stands condemned. But it is given you to show him, by your healing, that his guilt is but the fabric of a senseless dream.
"Sickness is anger taken out upon the body"
Sickness is anger taken out upon the body, so that it will suffer pain. It is the obvious effect of what was made in secret, in agreement with another's secret wish to be apart from you, as you would be apart from him. Unless you both agree this is your wish, it can have no effects. Whoever says, "There is no gap between my mind and yours," has kept God's promise, not his tiny oath to be forever faithful unto death. And by his healing is his brother healed.
Reiki healing - this woman is amazing, and she can do very powerful sessions over the phone.
Emotional Freedom Technique
Articles about cancer here, here, here, and here. Many more on the site - run a search for "cancer remission."
Articles about relieving the side effects of chemotherapy and radiation here. Many more articles if you run searches for "side effects chemotherapy" or "side effects radiation."
I have personally eliminated chronic health conditions with EFT, conditions that did not respond to conventional medical treatment, so I know what is possible.
I am sending out my love tonight to this woman and her three children, and praying for her return to full health.
This post is dedicated to the woman with stage four breast cancer that Matrix Guy told me about tonight. He was sad, and he wants to contribute. He wants to help.
So here are the links I would recommend as starters:
"Brother, there is no death"
Brother, there is no death. And this you learn when you but wish to show your brother that you had no hurt of him. He thinks your blood is on his hands, and so he stands condemned. But it is given you to show him, by your healing, that his guilt is but the fabric of a senseless dream.
"Sickness is anger taken out upon the body"
Sickness is anger taken out upon the body, so that it will suffer pain. It is the obvious effect of what was made in secret, in agreement with another's secret wish to be apart from you, as you would be apart from him. Unless you both agree this is your wish, it can have no effects. Whoever says, "There is no gap between my mind and yours," has kept God's promise, not his tiny oath to be forever faithful unto death. And by his healing is his brother healed.
Reiki healing - this woman is amazing, and she can do very powerful sessions over the phone.
Emotional Freedom Technique
Articles about cancer here, here, here, and here. Many more on the site - run a search for "cancer remission."
Articles about relieving the side effects of chemotherapy and radiation here. Many more articles if you run searches for "side effects chemotherapy" or "side effects radiation."
I have personally eliminated chronic health conditions with EFT, conditions that did not respond to conventional medical treatment, so I know what is possible.
I am sending out my love tonight to this woman and her three children, and praying for her return to full health.
"I still fucking love you"
Later on, I'm going out with Matrix Guy, but in the meantime, a bit of meditation and ...
A guy instant messaged me tonight for advice. His ex had texted him out of the blue and said she didn't really feel like their relationship was over.
What did he text back?
"I still fucking love you."
He had never told her before that he loved her.
He said he's tired of holding back and playing games and not being his full true self.
I feel so much admiration for him saying that. It's so beautiful. It's so pure.
People come back into our lives, and it can feel scary. There's so much uncertainty. It's easy to be guarded or careful. And here is a guy who was just willing to put it all out there.
I feel inspired. I feel touched. If I was that girl, nervously reaching out, wanting to connect and somehow finding the courage and not knowing what I might receive in response, I would feel so happy.
A guy instant messaged me tonight for advice. His ex had texted him out of the blue and said she didn't really feel like their relationship was over.
What did he text back?
"I still fucking love you."
He had never told her before that he loved her.
He said he's tired of holding back and playing games and not being his full true self.
I feel so much admiration for him saying that. It's so beautiful. It's so pure.
People come back into our lives, and it can feel scary. There's so much uncertainty. It's easy to be guarded or careful. And here is a guy who was just willing to put it all out there.
I feel inspired. I feel touched. If I was that girl, nervously reaching out, wanting to connect and somehow finding the courage and not knowing what I might receive in response, I would feel so happy.
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
The Erotic Language of Feelings: Can You Hold All of a Woman's Emotions?
"Are you listening?"
That may be the most important question any of us can ask ourselves.
Shhhh ... I'm going to let you in on a little secret that very few men understand.
There is a language that everyone around you, whether they are aware of it or not, is speaking all the time ... this is the language of emotions.
What is the quickest way to lose your connection with a woman (or not make a connection in the first place)? Go up into your head. Start arguing logic with her. Tell her that the feelings she has expressed to you are not "logical." Make every effort you can to be "right."
Would you rather be "right" or would you rather get and keep the girl?
Many of us have a reflex when we feel scared or angry to become defensive and start arguing with the other person, from our heads. But this is virtually never effective for enhancing connection.
I feel moved to share a thread from Rori Raye's blog that shows some intense emotions. It also shows the difference between logic and emotions, how logic tends to amp up conflict and lead to disconnection, and how "feelings" language tends to soften everything back up again and lead to reconnection.
My admiration to Gone Savage, who stuck with it on this thread despite the fact that he is almost the only male poster on Rori's blog.
For the guys: would you be able to hold all of a woman's emotions? What if she said she felt disgusted and revolted in her communications with you? Would you take it personally, or would you see it as the gift that it is ... ?
If a woman expresses extremely negative and painful emotions to you (and they were triggered by things you did or said), you have two choices: you can become defensive. Or you can feel very, very flattered that she felt safe enough to express those deepest parts of herself with you.
If you are able to hear and respond non-reactively to a woman's emotions, you are so far ahead in the game of seduction, it's ridiculous. As soon as she expresses a negative feeling like disgust, if you are able to hold it without collapsing, she will immediately feel less disgusted and more connected to you again.
Watch as things shift on the Rori thread. It moves from intense, nearly-disconnecting conflict to ... you're not going to believe this ... a highly connected and erotic conversation ... which, I might add, has continued today off-blog.
And this happened within a matter of minutes. What changed? We moved from logic to emotions and "feelings" language. That's it. Simple.
As soon as we did that, my entire body softened. I felt heard and understood again. I felt like I could breathe again. And then I suddenly felt highly aroused.
"Change her mood, not her mind."
You'll see if you read the thread.
Logic is overrated. Feelings are our link to each other ... and to the Divine. :-)
That may be the most important question any of us can ask ourselves.
Shhhh ... I'm going to let you in on a little secret that very few men understand.
There is a language that everyone around you, whether they are aware of it or not, is speaking all the time ... this is the language of emotions.
What is the quickest way to lose your connection with a woman (or not make a connection in the first place)? Go up into your head. Start arguing logic with her. Tell her that the feelings she has expressed to you are not "logical." Make every effort you can to be "right."
Would you rather be "right" or would you rather get and keep the girl?
Many of us have a reflex when we feel scared or angry to become defensive and start arguing with the other person, from our heads. But this is virtually never effective for enhancing connection.
I feel moved to share a thread from Rori Raye's blog that shows some intense emotions. It also shows the difference between logic and emotions, how logic tends to amp up conflict and lead to disconnection, and how "feelings" language tends to soften everything back up again and lead to reconnection.
My admiration to Gone Savage, who stuck with it on this thread despite the fact that he is almost the only male poster on Rori's blog.
For the guys: would you be able to hold all of a woman's emotions? What if she said she felt disgusted and revolted in her communications with you? Would you take it personally, or would you see it as the gift that it is ... ?
If a woman expresses extremely negative and painful emotions to you (and they were triggered by things you did or said), you have two choices: you can become defensive. Or you can feel very, very flattered that she felt safe enough to express those deepest parts of herself with you.
If you are able to hear and respond non-reactively to a woman's emotions, you are so far ahead in the game of seduction, it's ridiculous. As soon as she expresses a negative feeling like disgust, if you are able to hold it without collapsing, she will immediately feel less disgusted and more connected to you again.
Watch as things shift on the Rori thread. It moves from intense, nearly-disconnecting conflict to ... you're not going to believe this ... a highly connected and erotic conversation ... which, I might add, has continued today off-blog.
And this happened within a matter of minutes. What changed? We moved from logic to emotions and "feelings" language. That's it. Simple.
As soon as we did that, my entire body softened. I felt heard and understood again. I felt like I could breathe again. And then I suddenly felt highly aroused.
"Change her mood, not her mind."
You'll see if you read the thread.
Logic is overrated. Feelings are our link to each other ... and to the Divine. :-)
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
A "Quality Problem": Why Rival Bashing Tends to Backfire
In the pickup artist (PUA) world, the guys have a phrase: "that's a 'quality problem.'" Quality problems are the kind of problems your friends might not want to hear about because you only have them after making so much progress with all this stuff that you have an abundance of men or women in your life.
So an example of a quality problem, for a guy, is where he has finally mastered attraction, and he finds that he has a bunch of women he's not interested in who won't leave him alone. Or he's getting a lot of women to have sex with him, but they are not the type of women he'd like to have a long-term relationship with. That sort of thing.
So here is my "quality problem" of the week. This has happened several times recently, and although right now I'm at peace about it, at the time I found it triggering and annoying.
The "problem" is this. A couple of the guys who have expressed interest in marrying me decided it was a good idea to try to eliminate other suitors or male friends of mine. One of these men did it by trying to convince me that I had been manipulated and "played" by my friend. Another of these men suggested that I should "just walk away" from certain relationships with other men.
Guys, this does not help your cause. If the person you love loves someone else, there must be a reason. You'd be better served by sharing that love and appreciation rather than attempt to sabotage it.
I view this "rival bashing" as lose/lose. Either I will defend the person you are bashing, and find even more things to appreciate about him and maybe even end up in a relationship with him. Or perhaps that man will go by the wayside, but I'll be less attracted to you because you felt the need to be negative toward someone I care about. Either way, I am left with an uneasy feeling in my stomach and a kind of "ewww" response. That's not to say I won't get over it, but I don't recommend this tactic. If you truly believe you are the "best man" to be a woman's partner, then you don't need to insult the other men in her life or try to make her feel fearful of the other man's intentions.
The best analogy I can think of is the egg and sperms. The sperm that penetrates the egg is not the sperm that wastes his time trying to knock out other sperms. Can you imagine a sperm sticking his flailing little tail out to "trip" another sperm? It's ridiculous. The sperm that "wins" is the one that gets there first and also has what it takes to penetrate. That's it. There is no competition. The best man will win, it's inevitable.
Along those lines ...
My firm stance is: I am a prize (as I believe every person on this planet also is, most just don't know it yet). These are my standards for a life partner. If you are ready to step up and be that life partner, not just say you’re going to step up, but actually do it … then I am open to you.
If not, there will be no casual sex and no commitment from me. And I won’t let go any of my other suitors until I’m engaged to be married. I won’t let go of my male friends EVER. They are an important part of my social network and support system, and I love them all too much. I trust that my primary partnership will benefit from my having those men in my life.
So an example of a quality problem, for a guy, is where he has finally mastered attraction, and he finds that he has a bunch of women he's not interested in who won't leave him alone. Or he's getting a lot of women to have sex with him, but they are not the type of women he'd like to have a long-term relationship with. That sort of thing.
So here is my "quality problem" of the week. This has happened several times recently, and although right now I'm at peace about it, at the time I found it triggering and annoying.
The "problem" is this. A couple of the guys who have expressed interest in marrying me decided it was a good idea to try to eliminate other suitors or male friends of mine. One of these men did it by trying to convince me that I had been manipulated and "played" by my friend. Another of these men suggested that I should "just walk away" from certain relationships with other men.
Guys, this does not help your cause. If the person you love loves someone else, there must be a reason. You'd be better served by sharing that love and appreciation rather than attempt to sabotage it.
I view this "rival bashing" as lose/lose. Either I will defend the person you are bashing, and find even more things to appreciate about him and maybe even end up in a relationship with him. Or perhaps that man will go by the wayside, but I'll be less attracted to you because you felt the need to be negative toward someone I care about. Either way, I am left with an uneasy feeling in my stomach and a kind of "ewww" response. That's not to say I won't get over it, but I don't recommend this tactic. If you truly believe you are the "best man" to be a woman's partner, then you don't need to insult the other men in her life or try to make her feel fearful of the other man's intentions.
The best analogy I can think of is the egg and sperms. The sperm that penetrates the egg is not the sperm that wastes his time trying to knock out other sperms. Can you imagine a sperm sticking his flailing little tail out to "trip" another sperm? It's ridiculous. The sperm that "wins" is the one that gets there first and also has what it takes to penetrate. That's it. There is no competition. The best man will win, it's inevitable.
Along those lines ...
My firm stance is: I am a prize (as I believe every person on this planet also is, most just don't know it yet). These are my standards for a life partner. If you are ready to step up and be that life partner, not just say you’re going to step up, but actually do it … then I am open to you.
If not, there will be no casual sex and no commitment from me. And I won’t let go any of my other suitors until I’m engaged to be married. I won’t let go of my male friends EVER. They are an important part of my social network and support system, and I love them all too much. I trust that my primary partnership will benefit from my having those men in my life.
Sunday, June 21, 2009
What should I do if my ex wants to come back into my life?
I'm probably going to blog more about this fascinating topic later, but for now, we have a really great thread going over on Rori Raye's blog, so click here to join the fun ...
My views on this are definitely not the "conventional wisdom" ... after all, I wouldn't want you all to be disappointed or bored ;-)
My views on this are definitely not the "conventional wisdom" ... after all, I wouldn't want you all to be disappointed or bored ;-)
Premonition? Glimpse of a Sensual Feast
All right, I've now received my first invitation ever to go to Vegas to "tie the knot." Lol, very cute :-)
I'm still holding out for the man on my doorstep ...
But in the meantime, I could be enticed to Vegas next weekend. If anyone is interested in Emotional Freedom Technique sessions there (including overcoming AA by using EFT in field, which I recently had tremendous success with), please email me at erika.awakening@gmail.com.
And I just looked in the fridge, and saw these Italian sausages that I bought at Whole Foods, and I suddenly had this vision ...
I had this vision of cooking for my man, of a sensual feast. Of making a beautiful dinner with pasta and sausages and all of these spices wafting through the apartment, and then enjoying it together, all the flavors and nuances. With a really beautiful bottle of wine that he brought. And then making love after dinner. Or maybe during dinner, for that matter.
And inviting other people in ... kind of like that Tuscan Sun movie that I've always loved so much. The vision of a community.
One instant. The whole vision. I stepped right into it, like it was already reality. Mmmmm, that feels good :-)
I'm still holding out for the man on my doorstep ...
But in the meantime, I could be enticed to Vegas next weekend. If anyone is interested in Emotional Freedom Technique sessions there (including overcoming AA by using EFT in field, which I recently had tremendous success with), please email me at erika.awakening@gmail.com.
And I just looked in the fridge, and saw these Italian sausages that I bought at Whole Foods, and I suddenly had this vision ...
I had this vision of cooking for my man, of a sensual feast. Of making a beautiful dinner with pasta and sausages and all of these spices wafting through the apartment, and then enjoying it together, all the flavors and nuances. With a really beautiful bottle of wine that he brought. And then making love after dinner. Or maybe during dinner, for that matter.
And inviting other people in ... kind of like that Tuscan Sun movie that I've always loved so much. The vision of a community.
One instant. The whole vision. I stepped right into it, like it was already reality. Mmmmm, that feels good :-)
Saturday, June 20, 2009
Sexual Framing and Calibration: please no, this is not the way
My girlfriend, Player Girl, and I were approached last night by a guy who attempted to do "sexual framing," but who ended up doing something more along the lines of what Cameron Teone is always on his soapbox about: scary community guy. More on that in a bit ...
All right, before we get started today, a few anecdotes ranging from the sweet to the humorous to the ridiculous.
A big kiss to GoneSavage. Last night, I had a bad dream and woke up feeling unsettled. I texted him at 3 am or so, and lo and behold, he was still awake writing. He called me immediately, and we had a nice little chat. He didn't seem to mind that I was only semi-conscious. He has a very sexy voice and phone presence. I felt so much better. It reminds me how being there for each other in the smallest little ways can mean so much.
I have talked about Player Girl before. She is a consummate female player and commitment-phobe (and a really beautiful, petite, vibrant girl) who is constantly juggling a large number of suitors, all of whom think that she is The One. She has been dating a guy we'll call "the Doc." Naturally, he thinks she is The One.
Earlier in the week, she told me how wonderful Doc is, and asked me why is it she never likes the "good guys." You know, the kind of guy who sends flowers when she's having a bad day. After hearing the whole story, I said, "hmmm, he needs to break up with you."
Well, thank goodness the Doc actually has some common sense. I never conveyed my advice to him, but he followed it anyway and broke up with her over lunch on Thursday. This was the best move he could possibly make. Why? Because Player Girl has dated "good guys" before and has discarded them left and right without a second thought, but I can tell she actually has some feelings for this guy. Yet, as long as he was there at her beck and call, she couldn't really appreciate him. She was feeling guilty that she was not reciprocating the feelings at the same level. Now ... she'll have a chance to miss him. It wouldn't surprise me if she ends up wanting him back. You heard it here first.
******************************************
Ok, now a short post on Sexual Framing, Calibration, and What Not to Do.
Cameron talks a lot in his articles about guys who find the seduction community and then lose the forest for the trees. They get so obsessed with some concept, like negging or DHVs or sexual framing, that they forget that everything needs to happen in a congruent and relatively normal social context.
Last night was a perfect example of this. Player Girl and I were out at Americano, minding our own business, deeply engrossed in our own conversation about her dating life, when she left for the bathroom, and a guy approached me.
It started off just fine. He approached me with more confidence than the average guy and made some direct compliment that I can't remember. But it came off fine. I told him that I liked his directness.
For the first five minutes, I thought, hmmm, this guy could actually have something going on.
Then Player Girl came back to our table, and the guy's friend (who by sheer coincidence sat on an airplane next to me five months ago and remembered me) came over as well.
All of a sudden, things took a sharp turn downhill. The first guy says, out of nowhere,
"I like to lick ass."
Yikes. I felt the dip in energy immediately in my body, like all the air had suddenly been sucked out of the venue. We all tried to laugh it off, but the guy was on a mission.
He proceeded to tell us, repeatedly, how much he likes to lick ass. In case we didn't get it the first time. He talked about all four of us going home together, and how he likes to lick ass but wouldn't want my friend's dog to be there. (No, I am not making this up.) Pretty soon, every second sentence out of the guy's mouth included the phrase "lick ass."
I thought I had entered the twilight zone. Player Girl's body language had shifted dramatically, so she was turned as far away from the guy as she could be without actually falling off of her chair. Finally, he left.
We then witnessed him cold approaching every other "set" in the bar, presumably using the same "I like to lick ass" approach.
Need I point out the obvious, that this is not an effective use of sexual framing? Yes, of course it's great to get the girl wondering what it would be like to get intimate with you. No, it is not great to say "I like to lick ass" forty times in the span of five minutes.
After he left, I said to Player Girl,
"The problem for that guy is that he found the seduction community, but he doesn't 'get it' yet. He's not calibrated."
In non-violent communication, a similar process happens actually. People get in touch with feelings and needs and start sticking up for themselves in situations where they once were a doormat. Which is great, because they are finally being liberated from the constraints of the ego. But not always effective because they are not yet calibrated. Marshall Rosenberg says that, between being a "jackal" and a "giraffe," a person usually goes through a phase called being a "jerkal."
We had met the seduction community's equivalent of a jerkal. Bless his heart. He's on the right path, I only hope he finds some good guidance.
All right, before we get started today, a few anecdotes ranging from the sweet to the humorous to the ridiculous.
A big kiss to GoneSavage. Last night, I had a bad dream and woke up feeling unsettled. I texted him at 3 am or so, and lo and behold, he was still awake writing. He called me immediately, and we had a nice little chat. He didn't seem to mind that I was only semi-conscious. He has a very sexy voice and phone presence. I felt so much better. It reminds me how being there for each other in the smallest little ways can mean so much.
I have talked about Player Girl before. She is a consummate female player and commitment-phobe (and a really beautiful, petite, vibrant girl) who is constantly juggling a large number of suitors, all of whom think that she is The One. She has been dating a guy we'll call "the Doc." Naturally, he thinks she is The One.
Earlier in the week, she told me how wonderful Doc is, and asked me why is it she never likes the "good guys." You know, the kind of guy who sends flowers when she's having a bad day. After hearing the whole story, I said, "hmmm, he needs to break up with you."
Well, thank goodness the Doc actually has some common sense. I never conveyed my advice to him, but he followed it anyway and broke up with her over lunch on Thursday. This was the best move he could possibly make. Why? Because Player Girl has dated "good guys" before and has discarded them left and right without a second thought, but I can tell she actually has some feelings for this guy. Yet, as long as he was there at her beck and call, she couldn't really appreciate him. She was feeling guilty that she was not reciprocating the feelings at the same level. Now ... she'll have a chance to miss him. It wouldn't surprise me if she ends up wanting him back. You heard it here first.
******************************************
Ok, now a short post on Sexual Framing, Calibration, and What Not to Do.
Cameron talks a lot in his articles about guys who find the seduction community and then lose the forest for the trees. They get so obsessed with some concept, like negging or DHVs or sexual framing, that they forget that everything needs to happen in a congruent and relatively normal social context.
Last night was a perfect example of this. Player Girl and I were out at Americano, minding our own business, deeply engrossed in our own conversation about her dating life, when she left for the bathroom, and a guy approached me.
It started off just fine. He approached me with more confidence than the average guy and made some direct compliment that I can't remember. But it came off fine. I told him that I liked his directness.
For the first five minutes, I thought, hmmm, this guy could actually have something going on.
Then Player Girl came back to our table, and the guy's friend (who by sheer coincidence sat on an airplane next to me five months ago and remembered me) came over as well.
All of a sudden, things took a sharp turn downhill. The first guy says, out of nowhere,
"I like to lick ass."
Yikes. I felt the dip in energy immediately in my body, like all the air had suddenly been sucked out of the venue. We all tried to laugh it off, but the guy was on a mission.
He proceeded to tell us, repeatedly, how much he likes to lick ass. In case we didn't get it the first time. He talked about all four of us going home together, and how he likes to lick ass but wouldn't want my friend's dog to be there. (No, I am not making this up.) Pretty soon, every second sentence out of the guy's mouth included the phrase "lick ass."
I thought I had entered the twilight zone. Player Girl's body language had shifted dramatically, so she was turned as far away from the guy as she could be without actually falling off of her chair. Finally, he left.
We then witnessed him cold approaching every other "set" in the bar, presumably using the same "I like to lick ass" approach.
Need I point out the obvious, that this is not an effective use of sexual framing? Yes, of course it's great to get the girl wondering what it would be like to get intimate with you. No, it is not great to say "I like to lick ass" forty times in the span of five minutes.
After he left, I said to Player Girl,
"The problem for that guy is that he found the seduction community, but he doesn't 'get it' yet. He's not calibrated."
In non-violent communication, a similar process happens actually. People get in touch with feelings and needs and start sticking up for themselves in situations where they once were a doormat. Which is great, because they are finally being liberated from the constraints of the ego. But not always effective because they are not yet calibrated. Marshall Rosenberg says that, between being a "jackal" and a "giraffe," a person usually goes through a phase called being a "jerkal."
We had met the seduction community's equivalent of a jerkal. Bless his heart. He's on the right path, I only hope he finds some good guidance.
Thursday, June 18, 2009
Do I need to have sex with her to know whether we'll be sexually compatible?
This is one of my pet-peeve issues, one of the biggest bullshit lines that guys say to women to get them in to bed, so I feel compelled to address it. Someone suggested on an earlier thread that, if a guy doesn't have sex with a girl prior to committing to her, he may run the risk that she won't be good in bed.
Gone Savage left this comment, and thank God, because I rarely hear guys in the community owning up to this:
>>>"what if SHE sucks in bed after I commit to her?"
I used to think this way. After you get a couple hundred notches on your belt, you'll know if woman is expressive/enthusuastic/good before you've penetrated. It's just not at issue -- you know.
So true, GS.
And let me just say, as a woman with a pretty low "number," it *really* does not require 200 notches to know this. I have NEVER once not been able to tell whether the sex would be good BEFORE having sex.
I can tell by the kissing, by the foreplay, and by the level of connection.
Please, guys, stop using this excuse. It's complete and utter bullshit.
Gone Savage left this comment, and thank God, because I rarely hear guys in the community owning up to this:
>>>"what if SHE sucks in bed after I commit to her?"
I used to think this way. After you get a couple hundred notches on your belt, you'll know if woman is expressive/enthusuastic/good before you've penetrated. It's just not at issue -- you know.
So true, GS.
And let me just say, as a woman with a pretty low "number," it *really* does not require 200 notches to know this. I have NEVER once not been able to tell whether the sex would be good BEFORE having sex.
I can tell by the kissing, by the foreplay, and by the level of connection.
Please, guys, stop using this excuse. It's complete and utter bullshit.
Casual Sex or Committed Sex: The Two Paths and Expectation Management
Gone Savage posted an excellent article about polarizing your game. It speaks to me at a very deep level. I'm going to publish excerpts (in italics) here with my commentary.
**************************************************
You have to polarize your 'game.' This is to say, when you go out, know what your intention is.
This reminds me of a passage from A Course in Miracles, which -- in talking about the Holy Relationship -- goes like this:
"Without a clear-cut, positive goal, set at the outset, the situation just seems to happen, and makes no sense until it has already happened. Then you look back at it, and try to piece together what it must have meant. And you will be wrong. ...
"The value of deciding in advance what you want to happen is simply that you will perceive the situation as a means to make it happen. You will therefore make every effort to overlook what interferes with the accomplishment of your objective, and concentrate on everything that helps you meet it."
"The situation now has meaning, but only because the goal has made it meaningful."
**********************************************************
Consider that there are only two options. Only two paths you can pursue.
I'm going to go ahead and say it because this is key... there is no room for ambiguity, indecision, or inaction here. You have to fully dedicate yourself to one of these two paths. That's it. Don't come to me if you are undecided or you think you want a bit of both. That's not how it works.
Chose one path now. Here are your choices:
1) I am looking for "the one." I am not playing the field looking for someone with mere relationship "potential." I am looking for my mate, my life partner, my holy relationship. I am ready for commitment, cohabitation, and creational sex.
2) I am looking for novelty, variety, and sexual experience. I'm looking for mutually satisfying casual sex. I am looking to hone my technique as a lover, and bed as many women as possible in the process.
So ... two paths. Note that this is very different than what most PUAs preach. They say have sex first and decide what it means later. I think this is a recipe for disaster, because it will not ensure that intentions are aligned. It also allows for tons of incongruity ... relationships where no one is clear on what they want, leading to wishy-washiness and a lack of purpose.
*********************************************************
Now, understand there is no judgment with either path. Both are equally valid. The thing to realize is that they are drastically different and require vastly polarized approaches. In short, 'LTR game' is remarkably different than 'SNL game.' More on that in a minute.
The commonality is this: You are going to be open, honest, and authentic with either approach. Your connections will be genuine and from a place of decisive masculinity. You motto is going to be...
"What I offer is exactly as it appears."
The whole point is that what you offer -- what you embody and present -- is different with each path, but always uniquely YOU as the genuine and unapologetic manifestation of that approach.
Honesty, honesty, honesty. It is so key.
Even beyond that, I would venture to say that it is IMPOSSIBLE for a guy to manage expectations effectively with a woman unless he is clear and honest with himself at the outset about what his intention is with her.
****************************************************************
The problem with mainstream dating as well as most community paradigms is that they encourage you to be somewhere in the middle. The so-called gurus want to appeal to a mass audience and they want you to appeal to a mass audience too. Bullshit. It's tepid, weak, and ineffective. I'm here to tell you that it's also precisely why you're not getting what you want.
I agree completely. I meet so many guys who haven't got a clue what they want from a relationship or from a woman. How can I be turned on by that? If a guy has clear sexual intent and is honest that sex is all he's looking for from me, I'm not going to go for that because it's not what I'm looking for, but at least I can respect his clear intentions and honesty.
How can I possibly respect or trust a man who doesn't know what he wants?
***************************************************************
Consider some ambiguous shit I hear from guys:
--"Well, I want to play the field for now but I am willing to settle down any time if I like a girl enough."
--"I will try to take her to bed the first night but if that doesn't work, I will try get her on the second or third meet or however long it takes."
--"I'd like to find a girlfriend, but if I meet a girl down for a one night stand, then I'll go for that."
Every move you make needs to display an extreme dedication to only one of these two decisive and masculine paths. From the start. And you get to chose; one, but not both. Trying to play the middle is an exercise in futility. It's an exercise in mediocrity, not mastery.
Yeah, I've never heard anyone in the community articulate this, but I think you're right.
*******************************************************
All that indecisive middle ground vacillating may get you a middle ground girl. You probably got her number, had sex on the second or third date, and then entered into a mediocre default relationship. It's not much different than before you found the community. You are not exercising power and choice -- you're settling -- perhaps you can rationalize that the girl is higher 'quality' than you would have had before, but you are still settling.
Agreed. If the guy doesn't know what he really wants and instead "falls into" a relationship with a woman, it can often get complicated and entangled and be a huge time waster even though it wasn't what he really wanted in the first place. Then he may start using it as a crutch and not be getting clear about his purpose.
****************************************************
Stop that. I'm making an extreme distinction of quality vs quantity here. You are either out to find "the one" or you're out to have fun and share a multitude of thrilling experiences.
Yes. Or you can find "the one" and share a multitude of thrilling experiences WITH her. But you've got to commit to her first. The intention (e.g., of who the primary partnership is and what the peripheral relationships mean) always needs to be clear. Otherwise things are likely to get messy and painful for everyone involved.
******************************************************
You have to play an extreme. Sometimes I see guys deliberately misleading girls but it's more often a more insidious form of self-deception. Playing the middle of the road, or trying to adapt to where she's at is fundamentally unattractive. It's disrespectful to her and yourself. Leading her on, or leading yourself on by glorifying results that don't reflect a commitment to your path (like getting a phone number or a kiss) is so unappealing.
You said this very beautifully. I expect radical honesty from guys I date. Please know, men, that if you are talking about wedding rings, doing tons of future projection, saying "I've met my match," saying you want her to be your primary, etc., you are creating very long-term relationship expectations. Own it.
Much of what we refer to as "deep comfort game" depends on these sorts of future projections, but you must understand and take responsibility for the intentions that you are communicating to the woman.
There are some women out there, including many high self-esteem women and most of my hot girlfriends, who WILL NOT HAVE SEX WITH YOU unless you use future projections and create long-term relationship expectations. But if you create LTR expectations and do not follow through on them, it will BITE YOU IN THE ASS. Don't do it. If what you want is casual sex, accept the fact that some women are going to protect their own sexual and emotional health by not sleeping with you. Respect that boundary. It is not something to fuck around with.
The top guys in the community, guys like Zan, don't fuck around with this. They don't pretend they are going to be around to be the "boyfriend." That leaves the woman truly at choice about whether she wants to have casual sex or not. Many women do, but some won't. Respect her choice.
***************************************************************
And here's how the community teachings will fuck you up: If you are on the path #1, you really need to be screening, qualifying, and future projecting hardcore.
If you are on path #2, you do not need to be doing these things -- they are not congruent with your purpose. You need to be sexually framing, escalating, and isolating hardcore. And discretion is the name of the game. You are liberating her sexuality to do what comes naturally in the moment. You are becoming the "man that doesn't count."
I never heard anyone put it quite like this, but YES.
- Future projection is for LTR intention.
- Being spontaneous and in the moment and hyper-sexual is for casual sex intention.
**************************************************************
And I remind you -- either path -- you are to embody 100% congruence. "What I offer is exactly as it seems." You should get this printed on your shirt. You have to state your intention and do not waver. Do not compromise. Do not pussy-foot around with life.
I like the "You should get this printed on your shirt." I wish men were walking around with shirts that say either LTR or Casual Sex right on them ;-)
********************************************************
Declaring your path is to keep you from creative self-sabotage, and to hold you accountable for your commitment and congruence to this path. And, it is to get the limiting beliefs and sticking points -- most of which you aren't even aware of if you are following typical community dogma -- out of your 'game' ASAP.
This is another excellent point, which goes along with the Course in Miracles quote that I noted at the beginning. It's hard to identify sticking points without having a clear intention. As I noted in my recent article on Emotional Freedom Technique, we often start out with the clear intention (called an "Ultimate Truth Statement"), and that is what helps us identify all the "yeah buts" that are standing between us and the fulfillment of that intention. If we don't know what our intention is, we are mired in chaos.
********************************************************
To be clear, I am personally in hot pursuit of #1, but I am vastly qualified to teach #2.
This was my clear and deliberate pursuit for many, many years and I've recently outgrown it. But -- I will tell you this much -- I know that my particular #1 match will be drawn to me precisely because of my experience with #2. I will be the best lover she's ever had, and I don't just mean in the bedroom -- all encompassing; attention, affection, appreciation, respect, and a dedication to a shared life purpose.
Tons of sexual experience is not a prerequisite for me in a LTR, but I do want a guy who is able to connect with me deeply, both emotionally and sexually. I've found that guys who have been in several LTRs can be just as good at this as guys who've had many lovers.
************************************************
Chose one of the two paths. Learn all you can to present yourself congruent to that path. Eschew the opposite path. Don't settle for anything in the middle.
That's savage. That's real. And that's the only thing I teach these days.
I am all for the intentional and unwavering pursuit of "the one" -- without hesitation, deliberation, or manipulation.
I am all for the intentional and unwavering pursuit of mutually desired casual sex -- without hesitation, deliberation, or manipulation.
I like it, Savage :-)
**************************************************
You have to polarize your 'game.' This is to say, when you go out, know what your intention is.
This reminds me of a passage from A Course in Miracles, which -- in talking about the Holy Relationship -- goes like this:
"Without a clear-cut, positive goal, set at the outset, the situation just seems to happen, and makes no sense until it has already happened. Then you look back at it, and try to piece together what it must have meant. And you will be wrong. ...
"The value of deciding in advance what you want to happen is simply that you will perceive the situation as a means to make it happen. You will therefore make every effort to overlook what interferes with the accomplishment of your objective, and concentrate on everything that helps you meet it."
"The situation now has meaning, but only because the goal has made it meaningful."
**********************************************************
Consider that there are only two options. Only two paths you can pursue.
I'm going to go ahead and say it because this is key... there is no room for ambiguity, indecision, or inaction here. You have to fully dedicate yourself to one of these two paths. That's it. Don't come to me if you are undecided or you think you want a bit of both. That's not how it works.
Chose one path now. Here are your choices:
1) I am looking for "the one." I am not playing the field looking for someone with mere relationship "potential." I am looking for my mate, my life partner, my holy relationship. I am ready for commitment, cohabitation, and creational sex.
2) I am looking for novelty, variety, and sexual experience. I'm looking for mutually satisfying casual sex. I am looking to hone my technique as a lover, and bed as many women as possible in the process.
So ... two paths. Note that this is very different than what most PUAs preach. They say have sex first and decide what it means later. I think this is a recipe for disaster, because it will not ensure that intentions are aligned. It also allows for tons of incongruity ... relationships where no one is clear on what they want, leading to wishy-washiness and a lack of purpose.
*********************************************************
Now, understand there is no judgment with either path. Both are equally valid. The thing to realize is that they are drastically different and require vastly polarized approaches. In short, 'LTR game' is remarkably different than 'SNL game.' More on that in a minute.
The commonality is this: You are going to be open, honest, and authentic with either approach. Your connections will be genuine and from a place of decisive masculinity. You motto is going to be...
"What I offer is exactly as it appears."
The whole point is that what you offer -- what you embody and present -- is different with each path, but always uniquely YOU as the genuine and unapologetic manifestation of that approach.
Honesty, honesty, honesty. It is so key.
Even beyond that, I would venture to say that it is IMPOSSIBLE for a guy to manage expectations effectively with a woman unless he is clear and honest with himself at the outset about what his intention is with her.
****************************************************************
The problem with mainstream dating as well as most community paradigms is that they encourage you to be somewhere in the middle. The so-called gurus want to appeal to a mass audience and they want you to appeal to a mass audience too. Bullshit. It's tepid, weak, and ineffective. I'm here to tell you that it's also precisely why you're not getting what you want.
I agree completely. I meet so many guys who haven't got a clue what they want from a relationship or from a woman. How can I be turned on by that? If a guy has clear sexual intent and is honest that sex is all he's looking for from me, I'm not going to go for that because it's not what I'm looking for, but at least I can respect his clear intentions and honesty.
How can I possibly respect or trust a man who doesn't know what he wants?
***************************************************************
Consider some ambiguous shit I hear from guys:
--"Well, I want to play the field for now but I am willing to settle down any time if I like a girl enough."
--"I will try to take her to bed the first night but if that doesn't work, I will try get her on the second or third meet or however long it takes."
--"I'd like to find a girlfriend, but if I meet a girl down for a one night stand, then I'll go for that."
Every move you make needs to display an extreme dedication to only one of these two decisive and masculine paths. From the start. And you get to chose; one, but not both. Trying to play the middle is an exercise in futility. It's an exercise in mediocrity, not mastery.
Yeah, I've never heard anyone in the community articulate this, but I think you're right.
*******************************************************
All that indecisive middle ground vacillating may get you a middle ground girl. You probably got her number, had sex on the second or third date, and then entered into a mediocre default relationship. It's not much different than before you found the community. You are not exercising power and choice -- you're settling -- perhaps you can rationalize that the girl is higher 'quality' than you would have had before, but you are still settling.
Agreed. If the guy doesn't know what he really wants and instead "falls into" a relationship with a woman, it can often get complicated and entangled and be a huge time waster even though it wasn't what he really wanted in the first place. Then he may start using it as a crutch and not be getting clear about his purpose.
****************************************************
Stop that. I'm making an extreme distinction of quality vs quantity here. You are either out to find "the one" or you're out to have fun and share a multitude of thrilling experiences.
Yes. Or you can find "the one" and share a multitude of thrilling experiences WITH her. But you've got to commit to her first. The intention (e.g., of who the primary partnership is and what the peripheral relationships mean) always needs to be clear. Otherwise things are likely to get messy and painful for everyone involved.
******************************************************
You have to play an extreme. Sometimes I see guys deliberately misleading girls but it's more often a more insidious form of self-deception. Playing the middle of the road, or trying to adapt to where she's at is fundamentally unattractive. It's disrespectful to her and yourself. Leading her on, or leading yourself on by glorifying results that don't reflect a commitment to your path (like getting a phone number or a kiss) is so unappealing.
You said this very beautifully. I expect radical honesty from guys I date. Please know, men, that if you are talking about wedding rings, doing tons of future projection, saying "I've met my match," saying you want her to be your primary, etc., you are creating very long-term relationship expectations. Own it.
Much of what we refer to as "deep comfort game" depends on these sorts of future projections, but you must understand and take responsibility for the intentions that you are communicating to the woman.
There are some women out there, including many high self-esteem women and most of my hot girlfriends, who WILL NOT HAVE SEX WITH YOU unless you use future projections and create long-term relationship expectations. But if you create LTR expectations and do not follow through on them, it will BITE YOU IN THE ASS. Don't do it. If what you want is casual sex, accept the fact that some women are going to protect their own sexual and emotional health by not sleeping with you. Respect that boundary. It is not something to fuck around with.
The top guys in the community, guys like Zan, don't fuck around with this. They don't pretend they are going to be around to be the "boyfriend." That leaves the woman truly at choice about whether she wants to have casual sex or not. Many women do, but some won't. Respect her choice.
***************************************************************
And here's how the community teachings will fuck you up: If you are on the path #1, you really need to be screening, qualifying, and future projecting hardcore.
If you are on path #2, you do not need to be doing these things -- they are not congruent with your purpose. You need to be sexually framing, escalating, and isolating hardcore. And discretion is the name of the game. You are liberating her sexuality to do what comes naturally in the moment. You are becoming the "man that doesn't count."
I never heard anyone put it quite like this, but YES.
- Future projection is for LTR intention.
- Being spontaneous and in the moment and hyper-sexual is for casual sex intention.
**************************************************************
And I remind you -- either path -- you are to embody 100% congruence. "What I offer is exactly as it seems." You should get this printed on your shirt. You have to state your intention and do not waver. Do not compromise. Do not pussy-foot around with life.
I like the "You should get this printed on your shirt." I wish men were walking around with shirts that say either LTR or Casual Sex right on them ;-)
********************************************************
Declaring your path is to keep you from creative self-sabotage, and to hold you accountable for your commitment and congruence to this path. And, it is to get the limiting beliefs and sticking points -- most of which you aren't even aware of if you are following typical community dogma -- out of your 'game' ASAP.
This is another excellent point, which goes along with the Course in Miracles quote that I noted at the beginning. It's hard to identify sticking points without having a clear intention. As I noted in my recent article on Emotional Freedom Technique, we often start out with the clear intention (called an "Ultimate Truth Statement"), and that is what helps us identify all the "yeah buts" that are standing between us and the fulfillment of that intention. If we don't know what our intention is, we are mired in chaos.
********************************************************
To be clear, I am personally in hot pursuit of #1, but I am vastly qualified to teach #2.
This was my clear and deliberate pursuit for many, many years and I've recently outgrown it. But -- I will tell you this much -- I know that my particular #1 match will be drawn to me precisely because of my experience with #2. I will be the best lover she's ever had, and I don't just mean in the bedroom -- all encompassing; attention, affection, appreciation, respect, and a dedication to a shared life purpose.
Tons of sexual experience is not a prerequisite for me in a LTR, but I do want a guy who is able to connect with me deeply, both emotionally and sexually. I've found that guys who have been in several LTRs can be just as good at this as guys who've had many lovers.
************************************************
Chose one of the two paths. Learn all you can to present yourself congruent to that path. Eschew the opposite path. Don't settle for anything in the middle.
That's savage. That's real. And that's the only thing I teach these days.
I am all for the intentional and unwavering pursuit of "the one" -- without hesitation, deliberation, or manipulation.
I am all for the intentional and unwavering pursuit of mutually desired casual sex -- without hesitation, deliberation, or manipulation.
I like it, Savage :-)
Sad about love :-(
I feel a little sad and hopeless about love this morning.
Dan_the_Man submitted a great comment last night. He said:
Short, sweet, and beautifully stated. I was talking to a friend about how all this stuff just comes from within.
The example I gave him is: Suppose you're watching a movie on on your wall, using a projector, and on the picture you see a fingerprint smudge, that's affecting your enjoyment off the whole movie.
When you try to move around all the outside factors in your life, ruminate, develop a theory, and change your actions up, you're basically spraying some cleaner on the wall and trying to get that large fingerprint off the movie picture. This can literally take decades of your time, trying to wipe off that smudge.
All you ever really needed to do is go to the projector and clean the lens. Then the picture would come out just fine, like it was meant to. Sure your wall will get a bit shinier from all the work you're doing on it, but you won't get sizable results until you go to the source.
It's so true. It's all perception, so if something is not going the way we want it to, we need to clean up our inside rather than focus on the outside.
And then I started feeling sad. Cuz sometimes it seems like no matter how much I clean up the lens, there's still too much left of the fingerprint. Sure, things have improved dramatically. My life is five hundred times better than three years ago when I had my near-death experience.
I'm just worried that no man can ever really reach me. Even if he gets part way in, I'm likely to get scared and shut down and not let him in the rest of the way. I'm likely to "project" something bad happening, which gives me an excuse to bail before he even has a chance to bail. It can start so wonderful, but wouldn't it be nice if it finished wonderful also?
I'm worried that I wrapped barbed wire around my heart a long time ago to protect myself, and that no matter how much I try to set my heart free, maybe it's never going to be enough. And I'm worried that my man isn't going to be able to reach me.
Which feels really sad. :-(
Dan_the_Man submitted a great comment last night. He said:
Short, sweet, and beautifully stated. I was talking to a friend about how all this stuff just comes from within.
The example I gave him is: Suppose you're watching a movie on on your wall, using a projector, and on the picture you see a fingerprint smudge, that's affecting your enjoyment off the whole movie.
When you try to move around all the outside factors in your life, ruminate, develop a theory, and change your actions up, you're basically spraying some cleaner on the wall and trying to get that large fingerprint off the movie picture. This can literally take decades of your time, trying to wipe off that smudge.
All you ever really needed to do is go to the projector and clean the lens. Then the picture would come out just fine, like it was meant to. Sure your wall will get a bit shinier from all the work you're doing on it, but you won't get sizable results until you go to the source.
It's so true. It's all perception, so if something is not going the way we want it to, we need to clean up our inside rather than focus on the outside.
And then I started feeling sad. Cuz sometimes it seems like no matter how much I clean up the lens, there's still too much left of the fingerprint. Sure, things have improved dramatically. My life is five hundred times better than three years ago when I had my near-death experience.
I'm just worried that no man can ever really reach me. Even if he gets part way in, I'm likely to get scared and shut down and not let him in the rest of the way. I'm likely to "project" something bad happening, which gives me an excuse to bail before he even has a chance to bail. It can start so wonderful, but wouldn't it be nice if it finished wonderful also?
I'm worried that I wrapped barbed wire around my heart a long time ago to protect myself, and that no matter how much I try to set my heart free, maybe it's never going to be enough. And I'm worried that my man isn't going to be able to reach me.
Which feels really sad. :-(
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
"Why did it end?" ... the honest view on break-ups
Someone asked me the other day, about one of my relationships ...
Him: Why did it end?
Me: I could tell you the "story" but it isn't true. What's true is that I pushed him away with my fear.
Him: Why did it end?
Me: I could tell you the "story" but it isn't true. What's true is that I pushed him away with my fear.
The Seduction Community and Your Wallet: how Emotional Freedom Technique can set you free financially
I'm very fired up to write this article. Mainly because I've been meaning to write it for a while and because I think it can be a huge contribution to the many guys I'm meeting in this community who have horribly screwed-up and debilitating limiting beliefs about money.
Even from guys who have transcended their limiting beliefs about women, and who are really gifted teachers of seduction, just this week I've heard the following statements:
"I get so stressed out about money that I run away from my bills."
"I can't afford a plane ticket." [to a seduction conference where he is a speaker]
"I can't afford a plane ticket." [to see a girl]
"I'm in debt and don't see any way out of it."
"I don't think women would pay money for this teaching."
"I teach English in a low-income country, so $100 is pretty steep for me."
"I can't afford to be chivalrous. I don't like to go to restaurants with women because I get stressed out thinking they will expect me to pay."
Etc. etc.
"You are a slave, Neo." - the Matrix
Folks, when we live and breathe with these sorts of beliefs, we are living in slavery. Money, like love, is an energy that is meant to be abundant and ever-flowing. If it is not abundant in our lives, we can look to our beliefs to discover what blocks we have.
If the above statements sound like you, those blocks and limiting beliefs are stopping you from living the life of your dreams. Find those blocks and erase them. Use Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT) like crazy until all the blocks are gone. I will show you how.
Remember Jesus with the fish and loaves that he multiplied to feed the crowds. With EFT it is possible to manifest financial abundance much as Jesus manifested fishes and loaves. I am not joking.
Thus, this article is dedicated to my many friends in the community who are wonderfully seductive with women but suck when it comes to money.
Let's get started. :-)
One Woman's Perspective on Money and Men
First, though, I want to share a little bit about my perspective on money and men. I view myself as having a good relationship with money. I'm not super wealthy, but I always have enough to pay the bills. If I want something, I can generally find a way to afford it. I have no unsecured debt, a nice place to live, a nice car, and I can go out whenever I want.
This is somewhat remarkable, because I did not grow up with money. My parents had little, and my mom was a compulsive spender who squandered what little we did have. But I formed a very empowering belief as a little girl: I vowed that as soon as I grew up, I would always have enough money so that I would never have to *worry* about money. The key point being that I wanted ease and flow around money.
And now? My social circles are affluent, mostly professionals. I had a sugar daddy. In the past couple of years, I also had several multimillionaires who wanted to marry me.
Why didn't I marry any of them? Because money is not enough. I crave the deep connection and shared life purpose that draws me to the seduction community.
At the same time, the deep connection and shared life purpose aren't enough either. I want both -- the ability to connect deeply AND the ability to live and enjoy a life together that is abundant in every way. That, for me, is the Holy Grail. That will be the man I marry.
I see many guys in the community who are super successful with women but have neglected their own financial abundance. They use their ability with women almost as a crutch, relying on women to support them financially.
The problem with that? I (and many other high self-esteem women) just do not respect a man who lives beholden to his limiting beliefs. Why be abundant with women and scarce with money? It makes no sense to me. There is some deeper issue going on. What I find, also, is that most of these men deep down do not respect themselves, either. And they often end up despising the women who are willing to pay their way. A deep part of these men longs to be financially abundant, to be able to provide for the woman or women in their lives. Which isn't going to happen, as long as they remain financially dependent on women.
Once upon a time, I would write these men off as "fatally flawed." Now I understand that their scarcity beliefs are a call for healing. I won't pay their way. That would only be enabling them to continue these patterns. Instead, I offer the most powerful tool I've ever discovered for erasing limiting beliefs: Emotional Freedom Technique. More on that in a bit ...
Money and the Seduction Community
I see a lot of guys in the community who have terrible, terrible beliefs about money. They complain about it constantly. There are guys on BKRS who will whine endlessly about $20 they spent on an e-book. Seriously? You have no better way to spend your time than to worry about $20 you spent three years ago?
These guys do not understand that every time they say "I can't afford that" or "that was a waste of money," every time they swipe an e-book off the internet without paying for it, they are reinforcing a scarcity mindset and attracting into their lives more scarcity.
Even worse, they guys talk openly about swiping e-books for free off the internet. I cannot emphasize enough that stealing will always lead to impoverishment. This is because any time a person thinks they need to "take" something because they "can't afford it," they are communicating to their own subconscious mind how poor they are, and their subconscious mind will obey by having other people take from them, and by making their poor. It's not worth it, guys. You CAN afford the $20.
"If you choose to take a thing from someone else, you will have nothing left. This is because, when you deny his right to everything, you have denied your own." - ACIM
The $40K I spent to get here
It shocks me when I hear people say they are not willing to, for example, pay $100/hour for relationship coaching or $100 for an audio product. Let me tell you why that is shocking to me ...
Some people in the community know that I have spent what I would approximate at about $40K in the past few years to get to the point that I can teach EFT, dating, and relationships in an effective way. I'm not going back through my receipts, but here are some examples of estimates of what I've spent:
$3000 on tuition, travel, and other expenses to attend an International Non-Violent Communication 10-day training seminar with Marshall Rosenberg
$2500 on Holosync meditation, all 12 levels
$2500 on non-violent communication workshops and practice groups
$1500 on various healers and readers, one of whom turned me on to A Course in Miracles at exactly the right time
$6000 on private relationship coaching
$700 for silent meditation retreat and other work with acclaimed satsang healer Jon Bernie
$2500 for Reiki and to become initiated as a Reiki healer
$4000 on Emotional Freedom Technique sessions, DVDs, and to get advanced certificates as an EFT practitioner
Many thousands of dollars on books, e-books, audio, and video products relating to all of the above, including work by Christian Carter and David DeAngelo.
And the list goes on and on ...
Would I take back one single cent of all that? Not that I can think of right now. Sure, some books and products were worthless, but even those I learned from -- by learning what NOT to do. The items listed above have -- as a whole -- brought me happiness that is beyond what I believed was possible ... not to mention a whole new exciting life as a blogger. I have received far more fulfillment than if I had put that same money into fancy dinners and clothes or other material things.
Plus, along the way, I supported a slew of teachers and healers who would not be able to offer the work they are offering if someone were not stepping up and supporting them financially ...
So I feel great about it all around ... and now finally the current is starting to reverse, and people are now paying me for my teaching and healing offered to them.
It's the Divine Give and Take.
I have found that the more willingly I spend money, the more the Universe seems to send money back in my direction.
I also do not share the belief that many seem to have that it is somehow "unspiritual" to have financial abundance. In my view, God wants us to be fully abundant in all areas of our life. Any form of scarcity is a denial of what we really are: pure, infinite, all-powerful Consciousness. Any form of scarcity is a manifestation of the ego.
That's why I'm making it one of my life purposes to eliminate scarcity in every form.
How Emotional Freedom Technique Can Be Used to Create Financial Abundance
So the key of Emotional Freedom Technique and the other spiritual practices on this blog is not to limit our spending (which is constricting by its very nature), but rather to expand our financial abundance.
You can learn the basic recipe of EFT for free on Gary Craig's website.
Once you have learned how to do EFT, I would recommend the following steps:
1. Write out your Ultimate Truth Statement.
This means, write out what your intention is, if you could have whatever you wanted. Don't make it too "realistic." An example would be "I choose to make $1 million gross in the next 12 months."
2. Identify Your Limiting Beliefs
For most people, once they articulate an Ultimate Truth Statement, a bunch of "yeah buts" will immediately arise.
- Yeah, but I can't make $1 million this year because I've never made more than $60K.
- Yeah, but I can't make $1 million this year because my friends would be jealous.
- Yeah, but I can't make $1 million this year because I'm a plumber, and plumbers can't make $1 million because x, y, and z
- Yeah, but I can't make $1 million this year because then I'd be part of "the System" and paying "the Man"
- And so on. Write down every limiting belief you can think of, every single obstacle between you and that $1 million.
3. Use EFT on your resistance to change
Before tackling the limiting beliefs, do several rounds of EFT on any resistance to change. We use limiting beliefs to help us stay in a comfort zone, so it's helpful to recognize that limiting beliefs have "secondary benefits." Really get curious about yourself ... this could be stuff like:
- Even though I'm resisting change in this area of my life because I don't want to make $1 million because my parents would like that, and I'm pissed off at my parents and don't want to please them ...
4. Use EFT on every limiting belief that you have identified
- Even though I can't because ... x, y, and z
5. Use EFT on inner conflicts
- Even though part of me wants to make $1 million, but part of me really doesn't because I believe making money is difficult or unspiritual or more trouble than it's worth or ...
6. Get really, really creative
That subconscious mind can be a really sneaky bastard. A guy may, for example, be holding himself back financially because he's afraid that women will start to become dependent on him, and he had bad experiences earlier in his life with that.
A professional EFT practitioner can help you find the core beliefs that are sabotaging you in this area of your life. A good practitioner is like a good detective, with highly tuned intuition and a very good sense of how belief systems function.
7. Focus on clearing the oldest stuff you can find
EFT is most effective when used on early childhood memories and really old core beliefs. Usually newer stuff is built on the old stuff, so the farther back in time we go, the more likely it is that clearing the emotional heft from one incident (say, for example, a guy's family was evicted from their home when he was four years old, or his dad went to prison for stealing, etc.) will make a big difference NOW.
***********************
Let me know how this goes for you.
If you get stuck and need help, I am a professional EFT practitioner, so please contact me at erika.awakening@gmail.com.
EFT is one of the few things in life that truly "pays for itself" based on the financial abundance that it will help you create.
Even from guys who have transcended their limiting beliefs about women, and who are really gifted teachers of seduction, just this week I've heard the following statements:
"I get so stressed out about money that I run away from my bills."
"I can't afford a plane ticket." [to a seduction conference where he is a speaker]
"I can't afford a plane ticket." [to see a girl]
"I'm in debt and don't see any way out of it."
"I don't think women would pay money for this teaching."
"I teach English in a low-income country, so $100 is pretty steep for me."
"I can't afford to be chivalrous. I don't like to go to restaurants with women because I get stressed out thinking they will expect me to pay."
Etc. etc.
"You are a slave, Neo." - the Matrix
Folks, when we live and breathe with these sorts of beliefs, we are living in slavery. Money, like love, is an energy that is meant to be abundant and ever-flowing. If it is not abundant in our lives, we can look to our beliefs to discover what blocks we have.
If the above statements sound like you, those blocks and limiting beliefs are stopping you from living the life of your dreams. Find those blocks and erase them. Use Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT) like crazy until all the blocks are gone. I will show you how.
Remember Jesus with the fish and loaves that he multiplied to feed the crowds. With EFT it is possible to manifest financial abundance much as Jesus manifested fishes and loaves. I am not joking.
Thus, this article is dedicated to my many friends in the community who are wonderfully seductive with women but suck when it comes to money.
Let's get started. :-)
One Woman's Perspective on Money and Men
First, though, I want to share a little bit about my perspective on money and men. I view myself as having a good relationship with money. I'm not super wealthy, but I always have enough to pay the bills. If I want something, I can generally find a way to afford it. I have no unsecured debt, a nice place to live, a nice car, and I can go out whenever I want.
This is somewhat remarkable, because I did not grow up with money. My parents had little, and my mom was a compulsive spender who squandered what little we did have. But I formed a very empowering belief as a little girl: I vowed that as soon as I grew up, I would always have enough money so that I would never have to *worry* about money. The key point being that I wanted ease and flow around money.
And now? My social circles are affluent, mostly professionals. I had a sugar daddy. In the past couple of years, I also had several multimillionaires who wanted to marry me.
Why didn't I marry any of them? Because money is not enough. I crave the deep connection and shared life purpose that draws me to the seduction community.
At the same time, the deep connection and shared life purpose aren't enough either. I want both -- the ability to connect deeply AND the ability to live and enjoy a life together that is abundant in every way. That, for me, is the Holy Grail. That will be the man I marry.
I see many guys in the community who are super successful with women but have neglected their own financial abundance. They use their ability with women almost as a crutch, relying on women to support them financially.
The problem with that? I (and many other high self-esteem women) just do not respect a man who lives beholden to his limiting beliefs. Why be abundant with women and scarce with money? It makes no sense to me. There is some deeper issue going on. What I find, also, is that most of these men deep down do not respect themselves, either. And they often end up despising the women who are willing to pay their way. A deep part of these men longs to be financially abundant, to be able to provide for the woman or women in their lives. Which isn't going to happen, as long as they remain financially dependent on women.
Once upon a time, I would write these men off as "fatally flawed." Now I understand that their scarcity beliefs are a call for healing. I won't pay their way. That would only be enabling them to continue these patterns. Instead, I offer the most powerful tool I've ever discovered for erasing limiting beliefs: Emotional Freedom Technique. More on that in a bit ...
Money and the Seduction Community
I see a lot of guys in the community who have terrible, terrible beliefs about money. They complain about it constantly. There are guys on BKRS who will whine endlessly about $20 they spent on an e-book. Seriously? You have no better way to spend your time than to worry about $20 you spent three years ago?
These guys do not understand that every time they say "I can't afford that" or "that was a waste of money," every time they swipe an e-book off the internet without paying for it, they are reinforcing a scarcity mindset and attracting into their lives more scarcity.
Even worse, they guys talk openly about swiping e-books for free off the internet. I cannot emphasize enough that stealing will always lead to impoverishment. This is because any time a person thinks they need to "take" something because they "can't afford it," they are communicating to their own subconscious mind how poor they are, and their subconscious mind will obey by having other people take from them, and by making their poor. It's not worth it, guys. You CAN afford the $20.
"If you choose to take a thing from someone else, you will have nothing left. This is because, when you deny his right to everything, you have denied your own." - ACIM
The $40K I spent to get here
It shocks me when I hear people say they are not willing to, for example, pay $100/hour for relationship coaching or $100 for an audio product. Let me tell you why that is shocking to me ...
Some people in the community know that I have spent what I would approximate at about $40K in the past few years to get to the point that I can teach EFT, dating, and relationships in an effective way. I'm not going back through my receipts, but here are some examples of estimates of what I've spent:
$3000 on tuition, travel, and other expenses to attend an International Non-Violent Communication 10-day training seminar with Marshall Rosenberg
$2500 on Holosync meditation, all 12 levels
$2500 on non-violent communication workshops and practice groups
$1500 on various healers and readers, one of whom turned me on to A Course in Miracles at exactly the right time
$6000 on private relationship coaching
$700 for silent meditation retreat and other work with acclaimed satsang healer Jon Bernie
$2500 for Reiki and to become initiated as a Reiki healer
$4000 on Emotional Freedom Technique sessions, DVDs, and to get advanced certificates as an EFT practitioner
Many thousands of dollars on books, e-books, audio, and video products relating to all of the above, including work by Christian Carter and David DeAngelo.
And the list goes on and on ...
Would I take back one single cent of all that? Not that I can think of right now. Sure, some books and products were worthless, but even those I learned from -- by learning what NOT to do. The items listed above have -- as a whole -- brought me happiness that is beyond what I believed was possible ... not to mention a whole new exciting life as a blogger. I have received far more fulfillment than if I had put that same money into fancy dinners and clothes or other material things.
Plus, along the way, I supported a slew of teachers and healers who would not be able to offer the work they are offering if someone were not stepping up and supporting them financially ...
So I feel great about it all around ... and now finally the current is starting to reverse, and people are now paying me for my teaching and healing offered to them.
It's the Divine Give and Take.
I have found that the more willingly I spend money, the more the Universe seems to send money back in my direction.
I also do not share the belief that many seem to have that it is somehow "unspiritual" to have financial abundance. In my view, God wants us to be fully abundant in all areas of our life. Any form of scarcity is a denial of what we really are: pure, infinite, all-powerful Consciousness. Any form of scarcity is a manifestation of the ego.
That's why I'm making it one of my life purposes to eliminate scarcity in every form.
How Emotional Freedom Technique Can Be Used to Create Financial Abundance
So the key of Emotional Freedom Technique and the other spiritual practices on this blog is not to limit our spending (which is constricting by its very nature), but rather to expand our financial abundance.
You can learn the basic recipe of EFT for free on Gary Craig's website.
Once you have learned how to do EFT, I would recommend the following steps:
1. Write out your Ultimate Truth Statement.
This means, write out what your intention is, if you could have whatever you wanted. Don't make it too "realistic." An example would be "I choose to make $1 million gross in the next 12 months."
2. Identify Your Limiting Beliefs
For most people, once they articulate an Ultimate Truth Statement, a bunch of "yeah buts" will immediately arise.
- Yeah, but I can't make $1 million this year because I've never made more than $60K.
- Yeah, but I can't make $1 million this year because my friends would be jealous.
- Yeah, but I can't make $1 million this year because I'm a plumber, and plumbers can't make $1 million because x, y, and z
- Yeah, but I can't make $1 million this year because then I'd be part of "the System" and paying "the Man"
- And so on. Write down every limiting belief you can think of, every single obstacle between you and that $1 million.
3. Use EFT on your resistance to change
Before tackling the limiting beliefs, do several rounds of EFT on any resistance to change. We use limiting beliefs to help us stay in a comfort zone, so it's helpful to recognize that limiting beliefs have "secondary benefits." Really get curious about yourself ... this could be stuff like:
- Even though I'm resisting change in this area of my life because I don't want to make $1 million because my parents would like that, and I'm pissed off at my parents and don't want to please them ...
4. Use EFT on every limiting belief that you have identified
- Even though I can't because ... x, y, and z
5. Use EFT on inner conflicts
- Even though part of me wants to make $1 million, but part of me really doesn't because I believe making money is difficult or unspiritual or more trouble than it's worth or ...
6. Get really, really creative
That subconscious mind can be a really sneaky bastard. A guy may, for example, be holding himself back financially because he's afraid that women will start to become dependent on him, and he had bad experiences earlier in his life with that.
A professional EFT practitioner can help you find the core beliefs that are sabotaging you in this area of your life. A good practitioner is like a good detective, with highly tuned intuition and a very good sense of how belief systems function.
7. Focus on clearing the oldest stuff you can find
EFT is most effective when used on early childhood memories and really old core beliefs. Usually newer stuff is built on the old stuff, so the farther back in time we go, the more likely it is that clearing the emotional heft from one incident (say, for example, a guy's family was evicted from their home when he was four years old, or his dad went to prison for stealing, etc.) will make a big difference NOW.
***********************
Let me know how this goes for you.
If you get stuck and need help, I am a professional EFT practitioner, so please contact me at erika.awakening@gmail.com.
EFT is one of the few things in life that truly "pays for itself" based on the financial abundance that it will help you create.
Novel LMR-busting tactic ... lol :-)
For the uninitiated, "LMR" means "last minute resistance," i.e., when a woman will become intimate with a man but not have sexual intercourse with him. As an added bonus, you get to see more effective real-life text game:
Him: Drop the limitations. You can and will realize every dreamed sexual experience. By contrast, I only want variety in the context of permanent intimacy -- I have [already done my playing around]. ...
Him (later): Zone me however, it won't change your body craving ecstatic satisfaction and orgasmic bliss, nor the fact that I will [edited out] and give it to you deeply.
Me: How can I trust you sweetie, when you've had so many lovers? When it comes to commitment, I want to do it once and do it right.
Him: Would you trust a dentist who's never pulled a tooth?
Me: No lol but you don't exactly seem like the settling down type.
Him: I am not settling at all. I have met my match. ...
Me: F*ck. So-and-so said that too. I kid you not. ...
Me: I'm starting to like you and that scares me.
Him: I know. I am trying a novel LMR-busting tactic called becoming LTR material. :-) Sex will happen when it is time, and not before. What really turns me on is the possibility of a shared future teaching together. Helping people liberate their sexuality and find true intimacy and lasting connections.
Me: Lol :) Sex is not happening unless and until we are married.
Him: I understand. Now we can focus on sharing our gifts and mutual teaching strategies.
********************
"I am trying a novel LMR-busting tactic called becoming LTR material."
Lol, that has to go down as one of THE classic lines of seduction community history.
Him: Drop the limitations. You can and will realize every dreamed sexual experience. By contrast, I only want variety in the context of permanent intimacy -- I have [already done my playing around]. ...
Him (later): Zone me however, it won't change your body craving ecstatic satisfaction and orgasmic bliss, nor the fact that I will [edited out] and give it to you deeply.
Me: How can I trust you sweetie, when you've had so many lovers? When it comes to commitment, I want to do it once and do it right.
Him: Would you trust a dentist who's never pulled a tooth?
Me: No lol but you don't exactly seem like the settling down type.
Him: I am not settling at all. I have met my match. ...
Me: F*ck. So-and-so said that too. I kid you not. ...
Me: I'm starting to like you and that scares me.
Him: I know. I am trying a novel LMR-busting tactic called becoming LTR material. :-) Sex will happen when it is time, and not before. What really turns me on is the possibility of a shared future teaching together. Helping people liberate their sexuality and find true intimacy and lasting connections.
Me: Lol :) Sex is not happening unless and until we are married.
Him: I understand. Now we can focus on sharing our gifts and mutual teaching strategies.
********************
"I am trying a novel LMR-busting tactic called becoming LTR material."
Lol, that has to go down as one of THE classic lines of seduction community history.
Saturday, June 13, 2009
You need not leave your room: the Man on my Doorstep
I have been known to be psychic, many times actually, some of them very striking. The first time was with my kitten's death, which was so traumatic that I cut myself off from those abilities. It took me a long time to have a good relationship again with my psychic visions.
Anyway, I've been having a recurring one lately. It involves a man showing up on my doorstep, humble and sweet, duffel bag in hand, ready to start a new life with me. I don't know who the man is, but the image keeps recurring.
Franz Kafka said this:
"You need not leave your room. Remain sitting at your table and listen. You need not even listen, simply wait, just learn to become quiet, still, and solitary. The world will freely offer itself to you to be unmasked. It has no choice; it will roll in ecstasy at your feet."
I never really felt the full meaning of that quotation until I started this blog. Now, with the combination of blogging and Facebook, I get it.
Once upon a time, I thought that the world needed to be conquered. I thought we were supposed to go out and "do" things, "make things happen."
How did this translate in my love life? I thought that, to meet a guy, I had to go out on a bunch of dates with guys I wasn't into, hoping that eventually I'd accidentally happen upon The One. I thought I had to sign up on Match and eHarmony. I didn't have a path or a purpose. I was clueless. I thought love was something that had to be sought out and built and planned.
Now I see that the world doesn't want to be conquered. It only wants to be loved. This has changed everything, but especially my dating life.
ACIM says:
"Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all of the barriers within yourself that you have built against it."
Fast forward a few years. How have things changed? I don't "try" to meet men anymore. I don't do any online or formal dating. When I go out with friends, I don't focus on meeting guys.
When I'm not doing my normal activities, I sit here in my apartment and write about my passions ... alternating with a lot of Emotional Freedom Technique to continue clearing limiting beliefs ... I feel a lot ... I don't really "do" that much anymore.
And what happens? Magically people show up in my life. Men who share my passions find me through my blog and build relationships with me. I get invited to events and bootcamps and conferences. At each of those events, I end up meeting dozens of men. Meanwhile, without my even noticing it, until it becomes super obvious, men here that I've known for a long time move closer to me and start talking about marrying me.
And my perspectives get clearer and stronger. More congruent. I've been "gamed" by dozens of men, which has -- ironically -- made me even more certain that casual sex is not for me. I have realized that, for me, sex really is a spiritual union. It is a merging of chakras. It's not something I'm interested in playing around with.
As Linmayu said over on Rori's blog,
"I don’t have a golden pussy to barter for commitment, because it’s not for barter. It’s not for barter because my heart, soul, and spirit are inextricably linked to it, and they cannot be traded for anything."
If a man wants to have me, he can show up at my doorstep with a ring and a permanent commitment. When he does that, I will know that every doubt has cleared, and that he is fully congruent with his intentions.
Which leads me back to this recurring vision, of the mysterious man on my doorstep with his duffel bag and a ring.
"You do not need to seek for love."
I need not leave my room.
Nice.
Anyway, I've been having a recurring one lately. It involves a man showing up on my doorstep, humble and sweet, duffel bag in hand, ready to start a new life with me. I don't know who the man is, but the image keeps recurring.
Franz Kafka said this:
"You need not leave your room. Remain sitting at your table and listen. You need not even listen, simply wait, just learn to become quiet, still, and solitary. The world will freely offer itself to you to be unmasked. It has no choice; it will roll in ecstasy at your feet."
I never really felt the full meaning of that quotation until I started this blog. Now, with the combination of blogging and Facebook, I get it.
Once upon a time, I thought that the world needed to be conquered. I thought we were supposed to go out and "do" things, "make things happen."
How did this translate in my love life? I thought that, to meet a guy, I had to go out on a bunch of dates with guys I wasn't into, hoping that eventually I'd accidentally happen upon The One. I thought I had to sign up on Match and eHarmony. I didn't have a path or a purpose. I was clueless. I thought love was something that had to be sought out and built and planned.
Now I see that the world doesn't want to be conquered. It only wants to be loved. This has changed everything, but especially my dating life.
ACIM says:
"Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all of the barriers within yourself that you have built against it."
Fast forward a few years. How have things changed? I don't "try" to meet men anymore. I don't do any online or formal dating. When I go out with friends, I don't focus on meeting guys.
When I'm not doing my normal activities, I sit here in my apartment and write about my passions ... alternating with a lot of Emotional Freedom Technique to continue clearing limiting beliefs ... I feel a lot ... I don't really "do" that much anymore.
And what happens? Magically people show up in my life. Men who share my passions find me through my blog and build relationships with me. I get invited to events and bootcamps and conferences. At each of those events, I end up meeting dozens of men. Meanwhile, without my even noticing it, until it becomes super obvious, men here that I've known for a long time move closer to me and start talking about marrying me.
And my perspectives get clearer and stronger. More congruent. I've been "gamed" by dozens of men, which has -- ironically -- made me even more certain that casual sex is not for me. I have realized that, for me, sex really is a spiritual union. It is a merging of chakras. It's not something I'm interested in playing around with.
As Linmayu said over on Rori's blog,
"I don’t have a golden pussy to barter for commitment, because it’s not for barter. It’s not for barter because my heart, soul, and spirit are inextricably linked to it, and they cannot be traded for anything."
If a man wants to have me, he can show up at my doorstep with a ring and a permanent commitment. When he does that, I will know that every doubt has cleared, and that he is fully congruent with his intentions.
Which leads me back to this recurring vision, of the mysterious man on my doorstep with his duffel bag and a ring.
"You do not need to seek for love."
I need not leave my room.
Nice.
Friday, June 12, 2009
Vicky Cristina Barcelona - Can Triads Work in Real Life?
Ok, everyone, spoiler alert. If you haven't seen Woody Allen's fabulous Spanish romance, Vicky Cristina Barcelona (VCB), you may want to go out and see it before reading this post.
I must give credit here to Terrance Thames. I was staying with him in Los Angeles when I went down for Hristiyan's workshop, and he introduced me to this movie, which I had never heard of before. Terrance told me that guys who are not in the community are dismissive of VCB and think it's just a "chick flick." Whereas guys who are aware realize that this is a movie to study and emulate :-) Haha.
Notice how the women are attracted to Juan Antonio because he is a LOVER of women. He doesn't "do" a whole lot in the movie. Yes, he does some great "inviting" (Zan Perrion style) and he does some great "leading" (giving the girls a tour of the town). He gets them all charged up with adrenaline from the very beginning (Motorcycle Guy style) by taking them for a dangerous ride in his tiny airplane.
But most of what he does is appreciate women. Plus he has a big sense of compassion. He's mostly being and listening and touching and experiencing, rather than doing (which distinguishes him from Vicky's husband-to-be, for example, who is rather frenetic and very focused on which neighborhood their new house will be in). Juan Antonio has a very calming, centered presence.
There are some amazing scenes in the movie that I may write more about in future blog posts. Some fabulous inviting, some fabulous leading, some fabulous masculine vulnerability and authenticity. Mmmmm....
Anyway, VCB has one of the hottest triads (man and two women) ever to grace the silver screen, and I have to admit that I was pretty disappointed when it broke up. After all, Cristina really was the missing ingredient that made an otherwise unworkable coupling viable again.
Which leads me to the questions to ponder today:
* Can a triad ever be permanently viable in real life?
* Or will one person end up feeling dissatisfied and unfulfilled and leave the scene?
* Deep in her heart, does every woman long to have a man (or woman) who is devoted to her and only her?
I must give credit here to Terrance Thames. I was staying with him in Los Angeles when I went down for Hristiyan's workshop, and he introduced me to this movie, which I had never heard of before. Terrance told me that guys who are not in the community are dismissive of VCB and think it's just a "chick flick." Whereas guys who are aware realize that this is a movie to study and emulate :-) Haha.
Notice how the women are attracted to Juan Antonio because he is a LOVER of women. He doesn't "do" a whole lot in the movie. Yes, he does some great "inviting" (Zan Perrion style) and he does some great "leading" (giving the girls a tour of the town). He gets them all charged up with adrenaline from the very beginning (Motorcycle Guy style) by taking them for a dangerous ride in his tiny airplane.
But most of what he does is appreciate women. Plus he has a big sense of compassion. He's mostly being and listening and touching and experiencing, rather than doing (which distinguishes him from Vicky's husband-to-be, for example, who is rather frenetic and very focused on which neighborhood their new house will be in). Juan Antonio has a very calming, centered presence.
There are some amazing scenes in the movie that I may write more about in future blog posts. Some fabulous inviting, some fabulous leading, some fabulous masculine vulnerability and authenticity. Mmmmm....
Anyway, VCB has one of the hottest triads (man and two women) ever to grace the silver screen, and I have to admit that I was pretty disappointed when it broke up. After all, Cristina really was the missing ingredient that made an otherwise unworkable coupling viable again.
Which leads me to the questions to ponder today:
* Can a triad ever be permanently viable in real life?
* Or will one person end up feeling dissatisfied and unfulfilled and leave the scene?
* Deep in her heart, does every woman long to have a man (or woman) who is devoted to her and only her?
Thursday, June 11, 2009
Twilight: May the Best Man Win ...
This evening I am curled up on my sofa drinking a glass of Sauvignon Blanc and writing a little blog entry before Matrix Guy arrives to my apartment. I am feeling very frisky because I just finished watching Twilight for the first time. And now Matrix Guy is going to come over and we're going to watch either Nights in Rodanthe or Vicky Christina Barcelona.
Now remember ... I set an intention to amp my sexual desire as high as it can possibly go ... without consummating it.
GS has valiantly decided to help me in this endeavor, by sending me text messages like this one:
"Huge thunderstorm. Power is out. Completely dark. Senses awaken. Silent except for the rhythmic pounding of the rain & thunder. I think of you... just great :-p"
And as if that wasn't enough, then he said this:
"Got me thinking naughty again... about the kind of juicy experiences you will remember forever. To open you, to claim you, to bring you delirious orgasms."
Lol :-)
Speaking of GS ...
so just what is it about Edward the Vampire that has the entire community talking about how sexy he is? Rori wrote about him. Eight wrote about him. I sat here on the couch feeling my heart race watching the movie, slowly lighting up into full-on arousal.
I posted on Facebook that I was watching the movie, and immediately two different women responded.
The first one said: "OHHH... Believe me... HE IS... You wont forget the way he looks at her for days afterward.. wishing you had your own vampire to look at you like that. !!!!!!!! arrrrr..."
The second one said: "yup, every woman wants a man to WANT her like that."
So it's pretty much unanimous. Edward the Vampire is the hottest man since Pierce Brosnan in The Thomas Crown Affair.
Now, I'm not going to get into all the dynamics of push-pull section. Eight already did a fine, fine job of that in his article.
Edward gets things warmed up with push-pull, push-pull. That's how she knows his strength. Only a man whose core is rock solid can execute authentic push-pull. A weaker man will lose his frame and collapse. So that's how he first pulls her in to him and gets her interest.
But how is it that he wins her heart so fully and completely that she could never be stolen away by another guy?
He claims her.
He makes it obvious that she is The One. He doesn't have eyes for any other woman. He's willing to do anything for her. He protects her. He gives to her. He invites her into his home and his life. He desires her fully and completely.
As Eight says, after a certain point, it's almost all pull. Pull Pull Pull Pull Pull.
Why is that so important?
Trust. A woman can only give her heart completely and make herself fully vulnerable to a man she can rely on completely.
This is why she will test and test and test. She will put her toe out and see if it lands on solid ground. If it does not, she will pull back.
This is why a man must KNOW what he wants, must not pussy-foot around, and must have inner strength beyond the wildest imagination of most men in order to win the woman of his dreams.
A feminine woman doesn't chase men. She waits until a man shows up who has that strength and that singleness of desire for her. It cannot be faked. Every other man will fall by the wayside.
You heard it here first.
May the best man win. :-)
Now remember ... I set an intention to amp my sexual desire as high as it can possibly go ... without consummating it.
GS has valiantly decided to help me in this endeavor, by sending me text messages like this one:
"Huge thunderstorm. Power is out. Completely dark. Senses awaken. Silent except for the rhythmic pounding of the rain & thunder. I think of you... just great :-p"
And as if that wasn't enough, then he said this:
"Got me thinking naughty again... about the kind of juicy experiences you will remember forever. To open you, to claim you, to bring you delirious orgasms."
Lol :-)
Speaking of GS ...
so just what is it about Edward the Vampire that has the entire community talking about how sexy he is? Rori wrote about him. Eight wrote about him. I sat here on the couch feeling my heart race watching the movie, slowly lighting up into full-on arousal.
I posted on Facebook that I was watching the movie, and immediately two different women responded.
The first one said: "OHHH... Believe me... HE IS... You wont forget the way he looks at her for days afterward.. wishing you had your own vampire to look at you like that. !!!!!!!! arrrrr..."
The second one said: "yup, every woman wants a man to WANT her like that."
So it's pretty much unanimous. Edward the Vampire is the hottest man since Pierce Brosnan in The Thomas Crown Affair.
Now, I'm not going to get into all the dynamics of push-pull section. Eight already did a fine, fine job of that in his article.
Edward gets things warmed up with push-pull, push-pull. That's how she knows his strength. Only a man whose core is rock solid can execute authentic push-pull. A weaker man will lose his frame and collapse. So that's how he first pulls her in to him and gets her interest.
But how is it that he wins her heart so fully and completely that she could never be stolen away by another guy?
He claims her.
He makes it obvious that she is The One. He doesn't have eyes for any other woman. He's willing to do anything for her. He protects her. He gives to her. He invites her into his home and his life. He desires her fully and completely.
As Eight says, after a certain point, it's almost all pull. Pull Pull Pull Pull Pull.
Why is that so important?
Trust. A woman can only give her heart completely and make herself fully vulnerable to a man she can rely on completely.
This is why she will test and test and test. She will put her toe out and see if it lands on solid ground. If it does not, she will pull back.
This is why a man must KNOW what he wants, must not pussy-foot around, and must have inner strength beyond the wildest imagination of most men in order to win the woman of his dreams.
A feminine woman doesn't chase men. She waits until a man shows up who has that strength and that singleness of desire for her. It cannot be faked. Every other man will fall by the wayside.
You heard it here first.
May the best man win. :-)
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
Commitment Terror ...
This lifetime is getting to be a very wild ride.
How did I find the seduction community? To make a very long story very short, I had a near-death experience, decided I wanted much better relationships (and in particular that I wanted an enduring and deep intimate relationship with a man) and I started reading books. I read all the major girl dating books, found most of them to be worthless or even damaging, and then stumbled upon the seduction community. Although the community was geared to guys, for the very first time I felt that I had found a description of the world and relations between men and women that made sense. For the first time in my life, I realized why I was attracted to some men and not others ... and a whole lot of other things that are beyond the scope of this post. With awareness began empowerment.
Fast forward three years. Now, suddenly, I have men wanting to commit to me left and right.
Did I become more physically attractive? Nope, I look basically the same as I have always looked. Calmer and more centered, perhaps, but not noticeably different.
So what has changed? It's my vibe. What I have essentially done is taken all the repressed fears that I was projecting onto men, the fears that pushed men away ... and I have owned those fears. (Let me add, by the way, that judgments are nothing more or less than frozen fears. This is why non-violent communication, which dissolves judgments, is so powerful for bringing people closer to us.) Little by little, dissolving the barriers between me and men until now ... the barrier is the thinnest possible veil. So light I can blow on it, and it will disappear.
This is why I am now facing my Commitment Terror head on. Now that I'm no longer projecting my fears nearly as much, I am FEELING them instead. So guys want to marry me and claim me for lifetime partnership, and what I feel in my body is STARK TERROR. I have trouble breathing, feel extremely claustrophobic, sometimes I feel like vomiting, I get stomachaches. Sometimes if someone gets too close, I am still reactive. I panic and find some way to push him farther away.
And at some level, I am CELEBRATING all this. Like Daria says, I am loving my constricted breathing, and my nausea, my stomachaches, and my reactivity. Now the fear is finally VISIBLE. It's not repressed and projected outward onto the world anymore. It no longer shows up in that awful polarity of having to choose between men who are utterly unattractive cling-ons and men who are sexy but aloof and unattainable. It shows up less and less in the form of other women and long distance between us. (These sorts of "barriers" seem like they are real objective facts, but in truth they are only manifestations of our fears of intimacy, our fears of letting go of the egoic separation between people and returning to God. This is why "woo woo" energy healing works when nothing else will.)
I'm owning my fears, and now the men who are showing up and wanting to commit to me are ... shockingly ... people I would actually consider as mates.
"You have come far along the way of truth; too far to falter now. Just one step more, and every vestige of the fear of God will melt away in love."
And so you stand, here in this holy place, before the veil of sin that hangs between you and the face of Christ. Let it be lifted! Raise it together, for it is but a veil that stands between you. Either alone will see it as a solid block, nor realize how thin the drapery that separates you now. Yes, it is almost over, in your awareness. And peace has reached you even here, before the veil. Think what will happen after! The love of Christ will light your faces, and shine from them into a darkened world that needs the light. And, from this holy place He will return with you, not leaving it or you.
You will become His messengers, returning Him unto Himself. Think of the loveliness that you will see, who walk with Him! And think how beautiful will each of you look to the other! How happy you will be to be together, after such a long and lonely journey where you walked alone. The gates of Heaven, open now for you, will you now open to the sorrowful. And none who looks upon the Christ in you but will rejoice. How beautiful the sight you saw beyond the veil, which you will bring to light the tired eyes of those as weary now as once you were. How thankful will they be to see you come among them, offering Christ's forgiveness to dispel their faith in sin.
Every mistake you make the other will gently have corrected for you. For, in his sight, your loveliness is his salvation, which he would protect from harm. And each will be the other's strong protector from everything that seems to rise between you. So shall you walk the world with me, whose message has not yet been given everyone. For you are here to let it be received. God's offer still is open; yet it waits acceptance. From you who have accepted it, is it received. Into your joined hands is it safely given. For you who share it have become its willing guardians and protectors.
To all who share the love of God the grace is given to be the givers of what they have received. And so they learn that it is theirs forever. All barriers disappear before their coming, as every obstacle was finally surmounted that seemed to rise and block their way before. This veil you lift together opens the way to truth to more than you. Those who would let illusions be lifted from their minds are this world's Saviors, walking the world with their Redeemer, and carrying His message of hope and freedom and release from suffering to everyone who needs a miracle to save him.
How easy is it to offer this miracle to everyone! No one who has received it for himself could find it difficult. For, by receiving it, he learned it was not given him alone. Such is the function of a holy relationship; to receive together, and give as you received. Standing before the veil, it still seems difficult. But hold out your joined hands and touch this heavy-seeming block, and you will learn how easily your fingers slip through its nothingness. It is no solid wall. And only an illusion stands between you and the holy Self you share.
Yes, you guessed it, A Course in Miracles. It is a prophecy that is already being fulfilled. I am SO excited to see the holy relationship take human form. I cannot imagine anything more joyful than sharing the miracles that have already been given me. This is why a relationship with a man makes no sense to me anymore, at any level, unless he is equally committed to this mission of saving the world.
How did I find the seduction community? To make a very long story very short, I had a near-death experience, decided I wanted much better relationships (and in particular that I wanted an enduring and deep intimate relationship with a man) and I started reading books. I read all the major girl dating books, found most of them to be worthless or even damaging, and then stumbled upon the seduction community. Although the community was geared to guys, for the very first time I felt that I had found a description of the world and relations between men and women that made sense. For the first time in my life, I realized why I was attracted to some men and not others ... and a whole lot of other things that are beyond the scope of this post. With awareness began empowerment.
Fast forward three years. Now, suddenly, I have men wanting to commit to me left and right.
Did I become more physically attractive? Nope, I look basically the same as I have always looked. Calmer and more centered, perhaps, but not noticeably different.
So what has changed? It's my vibe. What I have essentially done is taken all the repressed fears that I was projecting onto men, the fears that pushed men away ... and I have owned those fears. (Let me add, by the way, that judgments are nothing more or less than frozen fears. This is why non-violent communication, which dissolves judgments, is so powerful for bringing people closer to us.) Little by little, dissolving the barriers between me and men until now ... the barrier is the thinnest possible veil. So light I can blow on it, and it will disappear.
This is why I am now facing my Commitment Terror head on. Now that I'm no longer projecting my fears nearly as much, I am FEELING them instead. So guys want to marry me and claim me for lifetime partnership, and what I feel in my body is STARK TERROR. I have trouble breathing, feel extremely claustrophobic, sometimes I feel like vomiting, I get stomachaches. Sometimes if someone gets too close, I am still reactive. I panic and find some way to push him farther away.
And at some level, I am CELEBRATING all this. Like Daria says, I am loving my constricted breathing, and my nausea, my stomachaches, and my reactivity. Now the fear is finally VISIBLE. It's not repressed and projected outward onto the world anymore. It no longer shows up in that awful polarity of having to choose between men who are utterly unattractive cling-ons and men who are sexy but aloof and unattainable. It shows up less and less in the form of other women and long distance between us. (These sorts of "barriers" seem like they are real objective facts, but in truth they are only manifestations of our fears of intimacy, our fears of letting go of the egoic separation between people and returning to God. This is why "woo woo" energy healing works when nothing else will.)
I'm owning my fears, and now the men who are showing up and wanting to commit to me are ... shockingly ... people I would actually consider as mates.
"You have come far along the way of truth; too far to falter now. Just one step more, and every vestige of the fear of God will melt away in love."
And so you stand, here in this holy place, before the veil of sin that hangs between you and the face of Christ. Let it be lifted! Raise it together, for it is but a veil that stands between you. Either alone will see it as a solid block, nor realize how thin the drapery that separates you now. Yes, it is almost over, in your awareness. And peace has reached you even here, before the veil. Think what will happen after! The love of Christ will light your faces, and shine from them into a darkened world that needs the light. And, from this holy place He will return with you, not leaving it or you.
You will become His messengers, returning Him unto Himself. Think of the loveliness that you will see, who walk with Him! And think how beautiful will each of you look to the other! How happy you will be to be together, after such a long and lonely journey where you walked alone. The gates of Heaven, open now for you, will you now open to the sorrowful. And none who looks upon the Christ in you but will rejoice. How beautiful the sight you saw beyond the veil, which you will bring to light the tired eyes of those as weary now as once you were. How thankful will they be to see you come among them, offering Christ's forgiveness to dispel their faith in sin.
Every mistake you make the other will gently have corrected for you. For, in his sight, your loveliness is his salvation, which he would protect from harm. And each will be the other's strong protector from everything that seems to rise between you. So shall you walk the world with me, whose message has not yet been given everyone. For you are here to let it be received. God's offer still is open; yet it waits acceptance. From you who have accepted it, is it received. Into your joined hands is it safely given. For you who share it have become its willing guardians and protectors.
To all who share the love of God the grace is given to be the givers of what they have received. And so they learn that it is theirs forever. All barriers disappear before their coming, as every obstacle was finally surmounted that seemed to rise and block their way before. This veil you lift together opens the way to truth to more than you. Those who would let illusions be lifted from their minds are this world's Saviors, walking the world with their Redeemer, and carrying His message of hope and freedom and release from suffering to everyone who needs a miracle to save him.
How easy is it to offer this miracle to everyone! No one who has received it for himself could find it difficult. For, by receiving it, he learned it was not given him alone. Such is the function of a holy relationship; to receive together, and give as you received. Standing before the veil, it still seems difficult. But hold out your joined hands and touch this heavy-seeming block, and you will learn how easily your fingers slip through its nothingness. It is no solid wall. And only an illusion stands between you and the holy Self you share.
Yes, you guessed it, A Course in Miracles. It is a prophecy that is already being fulfilled. I am SO excited to see the holy relationship take human form. I cannot imagine anything more joyful than sharing the miracles that have already been given me. This is why a relationship with a man makes no sense to me anymore, at any level, unless he is equally committed to this mission of saving the world.
Erika's Erotic Awakening ... and a New Vision of Polyamory?
I really don't know where to begin today ...
When I went to Austin, I wasn't expecting things to shift so dramatically.
But *someone* flipped a switch in me, and I am now fully turned on and basking in my sexual energy. It feels very intense.
I mentioned this to him, and his response was not very helpful for dampening my erotic awakening:
"There is power in pleasure and surrender. I'm here to awaken your mind, ignite your body, make your temperature rise and your pussy perpetually aching and wet."
Lol :-)
While at the same time ... I believe my last minute resistance (LMR) has become insurmountable until I'm in a fully committed relationship. Until I *know* beyond any doubt that I have found my holy relationship.
So the tension builds. Simultaneously, my sexual energy is escalating whilst I still remain abstinent. And this creates a powerful force for change in my life, a powerful force for becoming fully congruent with the deepest form of intimacy.
In fact, I've decided to turn this into a "sexperiment" (as Daria has called it on Rori's blog). My intention is to let my sexual desire get amped up as high as it can possibly go, but not act on it until I'm certain. This, I'm convinced, is the catalyst for creating my ideal relationship. A woman fully in her feminine energy as I am longs to be penetrated by a man (you can't even imagine how much!), but she is strong enough to wait until the man is offering her what she wants.
GS asked me yesterday what I mean by "continuity and longevity" in an intimate relationship. I have written about this before.
A Course in Miracles (ACIM) promises that the holy relationship is permanent:
"Before your brother's holiness the world is still, and peace descends on it in gentleness and blessing so complete, that not one trace of conflict still remains to haunt you in the darkness of the night. He is your Savior from the dreams of terror. He is the healing of your sense of sacrifice, and fear that what you have will scatter with the wind, and turn to dust. In him is your assurance God is here, and with you now. While he is what he is, you can be sure that God is knowable, and WILL be known to you. For He could never leave His own creation. And the sign that this is so lies in your brother, offered you that all your doubts about yourself may disappear before his holiness."
ACIM also indicates that the holy relationship will be shared with others:
"Love, too, would set a feast before you, on a table covered with a spotless cloth, set in a quiet garden where no sound but singing and a softly joyous whispering is ever heard. 2 This is a feast that honors your holy relationship, and at which everyone is welcomed as an honored guest. 3 And in a holy instant grace is said by everyone together, as they join in gentleness before the table of communion. 4 And I will join you there, as long ago I promised and promise still. 5 For in your new relationship am I made welcome. 6 And where I am made welcome, there I am."
Incidentally, while in Austin, this guy said, "why don't we all three teach together?"
Again, this flipped a switch. Why only one man?
So this seems to lead me back to polyamory. It sounds like there is one guy who is my primary partner ... and, at the same time, I'm increasingly starting to envision a communal living and teaching situation, with multiple men and women all living and teaching together, and sharing themselves beyond the limitations of traditional couplehood.
What do you all think? I feel very awakened and enthusiastic contemplating this possibility, which leads me to believe that I'm heading in the right direction ...
When I went to Austin, I wasn't expecting things to shift so dramatically.
But *someone* flipped a switch in me, and I am now fully turned on and basking in my sexual energy. It feels very intense.
I mentioned this to him, and his response was not very helpful for dampening my erotic awakening:
"There is power in pleasure and surrender. I'm here to awaken your mind, ignite your body, make your temperature rise and your pussy perpetually aching and wet."
Lol :-)
While at the same time ... I believe my last minute resistance (LMR) has become insurmountable until I'm in a fully committed relationship. Until I *know* beyond any doubt that I have found my holy relationship.
So the tension builds. Simultaneously, my sexual energy is escalating whilst I still remain abstinent. And this creates a powerful force for change in my life, a powerful force for becoming fully congruent with the deepest form of intimacy.
In fact, I've decided to turn this into a "sexperiment" (as Daria has called it on Rori's blog). My intention is to let my sexual desire get amped up as high as it can possibly go, but not act on it until I'm certain. This, I'm convinced, is the catalyst for creating my ideal relationship. A woman fully in her feminine energy as I am longs to be penetrated by a man (you can't even imagine how much!), but she is strong enough to wait until the man is offering her what she wants.
GS asked me yesterday what I mean by "continuity and longevity" in an intimate relationship. I have written about this before.
A Course in Miracles (ACIM) promises that the holy relationship is permanent:
"Before your brother's holiness the world is still, and peace descends on it in gentleness and blessing so complete, that not one trace of conflict still remains to haunt you in the darkness of the night. He is your Savior from the dreams of terror. He is the healing of your sense of sacrifice, and fear that what you have will scatter with the wind, and turn to dust. In him is your assurance God is here, and with you now. While he is what he is, you can be sure that God is knowable, and WILL be known to you. For He could never leave His own creation. And the sign that this is so lies in your brother, offered you that all your doubts about yourself may disappear before his holiness."
ACIM also indicates that the holy relationship will be shared with others:
"Love, too, would set a feast before you, on a table covered with a spotless cloth, set in a quiet garden where no sound but singing and a softly joyous whispering is ever heard. 2 This is a feast that honors your holy relationship, and at which everyone is welcomed as an honored guest. 3 And in a holy instant grace is said by everyone together, as they join in gentleness before the table of communion. 4 And I will join you there, as long ago I promised and promise still. 5 For in your new relationship am I made welcome. 6 And where I am made welcome, there I am."
Incidentally, while in Austin, this guy said, "why don't we all three teach together?"
Again, this flipped a switch. Why only one man?
So this seems to lead me back to polyamory. It sounds like there is one guy who is my primary partner ... and, at the same time, I'm increasingly starting to envision a communal living and teaching situation, with multiple men and women all living and teaching together, and sharing themselves beyond the limitations of traditional couplehood.
What do you all think? I feel very awakened and enthusiastic contemplating this possibility, which leads me to believe that I'm heading in the right direction ...
I couldn't resist ...
I really want to hear the guys' feedback on Rori's latest blog entry, entitled YOU can date other men, but he CAN'T date other women, so here it is. I won't give away my views before I've had a chance to hear yours.
Meanwhile, if you're a guy and would like to hear out of the blue from every significant woman from your past (many of whom will suddenly want to see you again, have sex with you again, and get back together with you), I highly recommend you get involved with me. Apparently, this is one of my new talents ;-)
Meanwhile, if you're a guy and would like to hear out of the blue from every significant woman from your past (many of whom will suddenly want to see you again, have sex with you again, and get back together with you), I highly recommend you get involved with me. Apparently, this is one of my new talents ;-)
Sunday, June 7, 2009
Text Message Game
Yes, we have a winner from the weekend.
"What an exciting and erotic night... Wish you were still here wearing nothing but your sexy smile... ;-)"
I can be such a naughty girl, but in such a good way ;-)
More soon on my adventures in Austin ... it was quite a weekend.
"What an exciting and erotic night... Wish you were still here wearing nothing but your sexy smile... ;-)"
I can be such a naughty girl, but in such a good way ;-)
More soon on my adventures in Austin ... it was quite a weekend.
New Beginnings in Austin
Well ... El Topo said he was good, and El Topo knows his stuff :-)
Anyway, I'm leaving Austin, about to get on my plane, and in just a few short days, I have a new romance and potentially a new teaching partner. There was a really beautiful moment when we could have written each other off and disconnected from each other. We could have taken the easy way out and said "dealbreaker" and so forth. We almost did. And then he got really, really honest, which was an invitation for me to do the same. Then we both got really, really honest and connected exactly where we were in that moment. We decided to find the places where we can help each other.
The most touching part was during the intimacy itself, when it got really intense and I was tempted to pull back. He held me close and said "stay with me." I did. :-)
Magic. Really beautiful surrender. Maybe there is hope for me to find intimacy and continuity and longevity all in the same place.
It just goes to show you that sometimes charm has substance underneath it. He wasn't joking about the one-way ticket :-)
Anyway, I'm leaving Austin, about to get on my plane, and in just a few short days, I have a new romance and potentially a new teaching partner. There was a really beautiful moment when we could have written each other off and disconnected from each other. We could have taken the easy way out and said "dealbreaker" and so forth. We almost did. And then he got really, really honest, which was an invitation for me to do the same. Then we both got really, really honest and connected exactly where we were in that moment. We decided to find the places where we can help each other.
The most touching part was during the intimacy itself, when it got really intense and I was tempted to pull back. He held me close and said "stay with me." I did. :-)
Magic. Really beautiful surrender. Maybe there is hope for me to find intimacy and continuity and longevity all in the same place.
It just goes to show you that sometimes charm has substance underneath it. He wasn't joking about the one-way ticket :-)
Thursday, June 4, 2009
Taking off our masks: have you outgrown pickup?
On Tuesday night, I had a really powerful Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT) session with my friend Kate Winch. I left her apartment feeling so much lighter. The last of any residual hurt or anger melted away as if it had never existed, and all the thoughts that went with those emotions disappeared, too. And since then it feels like the doors of my heart have been flung wide open. Like I've surrendered into love without knowing what direction it is going in, without knowing anything really. I can feel it so intensely though. Loving and being loved.
Right now I'm enjoying my favorite time of day, as the evening light softens in the pine trees outside this window, with the blue mountains in the background. It was raining, and there are still droplets on the pine needles. Last night, I saw the most unimaginably beautiful thunderstorm ever. Better than any Fourth of July. Mostly, I feel my heart wide open, with love radiating in and out, so intense, so wonderful.
Now, back to Hristiyan's workshop, and the third theme I wanted to discuss: taking off our masks.
Cameron Teone has talked a lot about what he doesn't like about the seduction community and pickup artists (PUAs). A lot of times I resist his perspective because it feels too negative to me, and I like to focus my attention on the positive aspects of what people are offering. But one thing at Hristiyan's workshop really did resonate with what Cameron has said: the three students in the workshop who had spent a lot of time with community teachings had adopted various "personas" (a swagger here, a pickup line there, a crazy hairstyle), and these masks were interfering with their ability to connect with women.
We all have our masks. Smiling and telling someone to have a good day when we are actually seething with anger is one of the most common. Why don't we say, "I'm really fucking pissed off right now and don't even want to talk to you"? Because we've been taught that it's not "nice." It's not "polite." It's not "acceptable" or "appropriate."
And guess what? That anger doesn't go away. It goes underground, where it brews and festers and feeds the shadow self.
I'd much rather someone say, "You know I'm not going to do this because I don't believe in violence, but honestly I am so angry that I feel like beating the crap out of you."
Why? Because the very second they acknowledge their own feelings, they feel less angry. They may even start laughing, realizing how ridiculous it sounds.
Whereas if they don't acknowledge their anger, they will resort to a bunch of "in the head" stuff -- like long strings of judgments, diagnoses, analysis, etc. Have you ever noticed that angry people use lots of words and don't really say anything worth hearing? They are really venting energy ...
Today a guy told me that he had "tempered" his anger by offering guidance and love to other people. I said: "You haven't tempered your anger. You have covered it up with bullshit."
Anger can't be covered up with a mask of "love" and "good will." It must be expressed and released, or it will never be gone.
Or how about pretending to pay attention to what someone else is saying when actually we are lost in our own thoughts? Another mask. I try to stop myself from doing this by saying, "you know I'm really preoccupied right now. If you give me five minutes to clear this energy from my system, I'll be more focused on what you are saying."
During the workshop, we went out one night to a bar. One man from the workshop showed up with spiky hair, dressed to impress, and we didn't even recognize him. We were shocked when he reached out to say hello. We thought he was a stranger. He had changed his look so radically, and he seemed to have adopted a "pickup" persona.
The next morning, Hristiyan (how I admire his ability to be blunt) said to him: "Who was that who showed up last night? I didn't recognize him. It was like some teenager. It wasn't you. Who was that?"
Meanwhile, the women that the guy had talked to at the bar didn't feel connected to him either. It seemed like he was hiding something. We couldn't "feel" him. It was as if he had taken the night off and sent someone else in his place.
So many of us are walking around wearing masks. We identify ourselves by our jobs or by our heritage or by the schools we attended. We think we need a fancy pickup line or sexy clothes or lots of money or a flashy car to impress people. But no one is actually impressed. Sure, they might make a big deal out of the car or the clothes or the money. But inside they are usually feeling uncomfortable, and asking themselves, what is this person compensating for that they need to show off in this way?
There is so much power in being simple. Stripping off all the layers of bullshit, wearing clothes that are comfortable, being present, and connecting. And forget about "high value" and "low value." Forget about rating girls. It's all bullshit. Everyone is equal. Everyone has something to offer us, and it's our job to find out what that is. It sounds so simple, and yet almost no one is doing it.
Hristiyan is putting together another workshop. It may be July 10-12 in Los Angeles. If anyone is interested, please email me at erika.awakening@gmail.com, and I'll put you in touch with him. If you have outgrown pickup and would like to have real, beautiful, deep connections with women, this is the workshop for you.
Right now I'm enjoying my favorite time of day, as the evening light softens in the pine trees outside this window, with the blue mountains in the background. It was raining, and there are still droplets on the pine needles. Last night, I saw the most unimaginably beautiful thunderstorm ever. Better than any Fourth of July. Mostly, I feel my heart wide open, with love radiating in and out, so intense, so wonderful.
Now, back to Hristiyan's workshop, and the third theme I wanted to discuss: taking off our masks.
Cameron Teone has talked a lot about what he doesn't like about the seduction community and pickup artists (PUAs). A lot of times I resist his perspective because it feels too negative to me, and I like to focus my attention on the positive aspects of what people are offering. But one thing at Hristiyan's workshop really did resonate with what Cameron has said: the three students in the workshop who had spent a lot of time with community teachings had adopted various "personas" (a swagger here, a pickup line there, a crazy hairstyle), and these masks were interfering with their ability to connect with women.
We all have our masks. Smiling and telling someone to have a good day when we are actually seething with anger is one of the most common. Why don't we say, "I'm really fucking pissed off right now and don't even want to talk to you"? Because we've been taught that it's not "nice." It's not "polite." It's not "acceptable" or "appropriate."
And guess what? That anger doesn't go away. It goes underground, where it brews and festers and feeds the shadow self.
I'd much rather someone say, "You know I'm not going to do this because I don't believe in violence, but honestly I am so angry that I feel like beating the crap out of you."
Why? Because the very second they acknowledge their own feelings, they feel less angry. They may even start laughing, realizing how ridiculous it sounds.
Whereas if they don't acknowledge their anger, they will resort to a bunch of "in the head" stuff -- like long strings of judgments, diagnoses, analysis, etc. Have you ever noticed that angry people use lots of words and don't really say anything worth hearing? They are really venting energy ...
Today a guy told me that he had "tempered" his anger by offering guidance and love to other people. I said: "You haven't tempered your anger. You have covered it up with bullshit."
Anger can't be covered up with a mask of "love" and "good will." It must be expressed and released, or it will never be gone.
Or how about pretending to pay attention to what someone else is saying when actually we are lost in our own thoughts? Another mask. I try to stop myself from doing this by saying, "you know I'm really preoccupied right now. If you give me five minutes to clear this energy from my system, I'll be more focused on what you are saying."
During the workshop, we went out one night to a bar. One man from the workshop showed up with spiky hair, dressed to impress, and we didn't even recognize him. We were shocked when he reached out to say hello. We thought he was a stranger. He had changed his look so radically, and he seemed to have adopted a "pickup" persona.
The next morning, Hristiyan (how I admire his ability to be blunt) said to him: "Who was that who showed up last night? I didn't recognize him. It was like some teenager. It wasn't you. Who was that?"
Meanwhile, the women that the guy had talked to at the bar didn't feel connected to him either. It seemed like he was hiding something. We couldn't "feel" him. It was as if he had taken the night off and sent someone else in his place.
So many of us are walking around wearing masks. We identify ourselves by our jobs or by our heritage or by the schools we attended. We think we need a fancy pickup line or sexy clothes or lots of money or a flashy car to impress people. But no one is actually impressed. Sure, they might make a big deal out of the car or the clothes or the money. But inside they are usually feeling uncomfortable, and asking themselves, what is this person compensating for that they need to show off in this way?
There is so much power in being simple. Stripping off all the layers of bullshit, wearing clothes that are comfortable, being present, and connecting. And forget about "high value" and "low value." Forget about rating girls. It's all bullshit. Everyone is equal. Everyone has something to offer us, and it's our job to find out what that is. It sounds so simple, and yet almost no one is doing it.
Hristiyan is putting together another workshop. It may be July 10-12 in Los Angeles. If anyone is interested, please email me at erika.awakening@gmail.com, and I'll put you in touch with him. If you have outgrown pickup and would like to have real, beautiful, deep connections with women, this is the workshop for you.
Monday, June 1, 2009
The Knowingness of Our Bodies
The next topic that I want to talk about from Hristiyan's workshop is the importance of holding space for a woman's feelings without (as Hristiyan puts it) "collapsing."
"Collapsing" can take many forms, but it would include getting defensive, arguing with her (which comes from the head and not from the heart), being dismissive, giving in, belittling her, etc. Hristiyan teaches men to hold space for a woman's feelings while also staying true to their own path and values.
I took a lot of flak recently for being so responsive to my feelings. To help others understand why I put so much faith in feelings and body awareness, I would like to share a passage from Kelly Bryson's book, Don't Be Nice Be Real. It comes from a subsection in the book entitled "Head"ing for Trouble. Here it is:
As soon as I consider whether this situation might be one that calls for me to "go up to my head" to intellectualize with my brain instead of going with my gut reaction, to abandon my body, I've entered a realm of complexity and uncertainty. ... I can never really feel safe in my world if I can't trust that I'm totally committed to staying true to my guts. ...
Until there is commitment to being true to one's body there is hesitancy and uncertainty. Until there's commitment, there's no tapping into the power and magic of providence. It can only come in to help when faith beyond reason is practiced. We have to step into the water before the seas part. I need to be willing to get into trouble if I am to avoid bigger trouble.
I had rather you be angry at me than me be angry with me. I'd rather get in trouble with you than with myself. If I stay true and connected with myself, then I have a chance to be present and work through whatever gets triggered in you. But if I abandon me, I can't deal with or be present to anything. Being nice depletes my energy, as I give it away to all the other nice, depressed, depleted people.
Why do I pay so much attention to feelings? They are the link to infinite wisdom. They are the universal currency that connects me to everyone around me, regardless of the situation.
If I listen to a man's words, he can be saying beautiful words that sound good. What I FEEL is whether he means it or not. I can feel a man's congruence or incongruence.
I had been on the receiving end of so much criticism about following my feelings that even I had started to doubt myself just a tiny bit ... until attending Hristiyan's workshop. It was then I realized that I absolutely, positively had done the right thing by listening to my body awareness. I'll give you a couple of examples.
We did an exercise where I played out some sadness with two different men. I was crying and talking about how disappointed I felt because I had trusted him so much. I had trusted the things he said for months, and now it seemed like none of what he had said was actually true, and how sad that made me feel.
The first man pushed my feelings away. He went straight to his head. He reasoned with me, shifted the focus to himself, analyzed it. Immediately, I felt numb and disconnected. I pulled farther away from him. Hristiyan was watching this whole thing, and said "break up with him." Which felt like exactly the right thing to do.
The second man (who I later found out was a coach) connected with me through my sadness. He used very few words. He looked into my eyes, took my hand and placed it on his heart, and held me close. When I was crying and sniffling, he took me by the hand to get a kleenex. He didn't tell me he cared about me. He showed me.
One man lost my trust. One man regained it. Same exact situation. How did I know the difference? I felt it in my body.
With another man, during the first exercise with him, I felt no connection whatsoever. I felt anger radiating from him. I saw a wall in his eyes and felt a wall between us. I felt like he was blaming me for us not being able to connect. There was a tiny part of me that wanted to take responsibility for this, but Hristiyan had zero tolerance for the guys attempting to blame the lack of connection on us women.
So the guy owned it. And because he owned it, 24 hours later, he transcended his own inner limitation, and we experienced a beautiful connectedness. That would not have happened if I had not been honest at the beginning about what I was feeling. If I had tried to take care of his feelings rather than being honest, he would not have been able to connect with me.
The body knows. I know when men aren't being fully honest. I know when they are trying to have it both ways or keep all their options open. I know when they are not available for connection. I know when they're not committed.
I can FEEL it.
If I abandoned the knowingness of my feelings, I would be abandoning myself. I would be abandoning the only reliable source of infinite wisdom.
Another aspect of the workshop drove this home to me even more. The (male) instructors could FEEL the shifts with me. I was giving continuous feedback to the guys about whether I was feeling a connection with them, how strong it was, whether it had a sexual aspect or just felt friendly, etc.
How do I know just how true body awareness is? It's universal. Everyone in the room could feel it with me, ESPECIALLY the instructors.
Why were the instructors especially attuned? Because, like me, they have developed the body awareness to KNOW when someone is in his head and when he's in his heart. The body awareness to KNOW when a man is covering something up and hiding behind a mask and when he's being authentic.
The RSD instructors say "she feels what you feel." But that's only true if the guy has body awareness himself. The only people who can't feel what everyone else is feeling are the people who are in their heads trying to be logical. People who are in their heads have disconnected from the universal currency of emotions.
When he's in his head, arguing with a woman's feelings, it is impossible for a man to connect with her. Things will quickly spin out of control.
When he's in his heart, he can hold space for her feelings. It doesn't mean he has to agree with her, but at least he doesn't argue with her and negate her. At least she will feel seen and heard and understood. She will feel that she matters to him.
Which is usually what she wants the most.
"Collapsing" can take many forms, but it would include getting defensive, arguing with her (which comes from the head and not from the heart), being dismissive, giving in, belittling her, etc. Hristiyan teaches men to hold space for a woman's feelings while also staying true to their own path and values.
I took a lot of flak recently for being so responsive to my feelings. To help others understand why I put so much faith in feelings and body awareness, I would like to share a passage from Kelly Bryson's book, Don't Be Nice Be Real. It comes from a subsection in the book entitled "Head"ing for Trouble. Here it is:
As soon as I consider whether this situation might be one that calls for me to "go up to my head" to intellectualize with my brain instead of going with my gut reaction, to abandon my body, I've entered a realm of complexity and uncertainty. ... I can never really feel safe in my world if I can't trust that I'm totally committed to staying true to my guts. ...
Until there is commitment to being true to one's body there is hesitancy and uncertainty. Until there's commitment, there's no tapping into the power and magic of providence. It can only come in to help when faith beyond reason is practiced. We have to step into the water before the seas part. I need to be willing to get into trouble if I am to avoid bigger trouble.
I had rather you be angry at me than me be angry with me. I'd rather get in trouble with you than with myself. If I stay true and connected with myself, then I have a chance to be present and work through whatever gets triggered in you. But if I abandon me, I can't deal with or be present to anything. Being nice depletes my energy, as I give it away to all the other nice, depressed, depleted people.
Why do I pay so much attention to feelings? They are the link to infinite wisdom. They are the universal currency that connects me to everyone around me, regardless of the situation.
If I listen to a man's words, he can be saying beautiful words that sound good. What I FEEL is whether he means it or not. I can feel a man's congruence or incongruence.
I had been on the receiving end of so much criticism about following my feelings that even I had started to doubt myself just a tiny bit ... until attending Hristiyan's workshop. It was then I realized that I absolutely, positively had done the right thing by listening to my body awareness. I'll give you a couple of examples.
We did an exercise where I played out some sadness with two different men. I was crying and talking about how disappointed I felt because I had trusted him so much. I had trusted the things he said for months, and now it seemed like none of what he had said was actually true, and how sad that made me feel.
The first man pushed my feelings away. He went straight to his head. He reasoned with me, shifted the focus to himself, analyzed it. Immediately, I felt numb and disconnected. I pulled farther away from him. Hristiyan was watching this whole thing, and said "break up with him." Which felt like exactly the right thing to do.
The second man (who I later found out was a coach) connected with me through my sadness. He used very few words. He looked into my eyes, took my hand and placed it on his heart, and held me close. When I was crying and sniffling, he took me by the hand to get a kleenex. He didn't tell me he cared about me. He showed me.
One man lost my trust. One man regained it. Same exact situation. How did I know the difference? I felt it in my body.
With another man, during the first exercise with him, I felt no connection whatsoever. I felt anger radiating from him. I saw a wall in his eyes and felt a wall between us. I felt like he was blaming me for us not being able to connect. There was a tiny part of me that wanted to take responsibility for this, but Hristiyan had zero tolerance for the guys attempting to blame the lack of connection on us women.
So the guy owned it. And because he owned it, 24 hours later, he transcended his own inner limitation, and we experienced a beautiful connectedness. That would not have happened if I had not been honest at the beginning about what I was feeling. If I had tried to take care of his feelings rather than being honest, he would not have been able to connect with me.
The body knows. I know when men aren't being fully honest. I know when they are trying to have it both ways or keep all their options open. I know when they are not available for connection. I know when they're not committed.
I can FEEL it.
If I abandoned the knowingness of my feelings, I would be abandoning myself. I would be abandoning the only reliable source of infinite wisdom.
Another aspect of the workshop drove this home to me even more. The (male) instructors could FEEL the shifts with me. I was giving continuous feedback to the guys about whether I was feeling a connection with them, how strong it was, whether it had a sexual aspect or just felt friendly, etc.
How do I know just how true body awareness is? It's universal. Everyone in the room could feel it with me, ESPECIALLY the instructors.
Why were the instructors especially attuned? Because, like me, they have developed the body awareness to KNOW when someone is in his head and when he's in his heart. The body awareness to KNOW when a man is covering something up and hiding behind a mask and when he's being authentic.
The RSD instructors say "she feels what you feel." But that's only true if the guy has body awareness himself. The only people who can't feel what everyone else is feeling are the people who are in their heads trying to be logical. People who are in their heads have disconnected from the universal currency of emotions.
When he's in his head, arguing with a woman's feelings, it is impossible for a man to connect with her. Things will quickly spin out of control.
When he's in his heart, he can hold space for her feelings. It doesn't mean he has to agree with her, but at least he doesn't argue with her and negate her. At least she will feel seen and heard and understood. She will feel that she matters to him.
Which is usually what she wants the most.
More on How Much We Want Men to Be Men: Revisiting Chivalry
This is the second article in a series about Hristiyan's workshop that I participated in this past weekend.
I have written about chivalry before, and its importance to a feminine woman, and have been on the receiving end of much skepticism.
After Hristiyan's workshop, I am even more in touch with my feelings about this, and even more aware of the fact that I am only sexually attracted to men who are chivalrous. Let me tell you why.
We did an exercise during the workshop where the intention was for the man to find the place within himself to say a clear "yes" to his woman.
So each man in the workshop would approach me or Lisa (the other woman) and say "How may I serve you, my lady?" Hristiyan had already taught them that a man who is deeply connected with his masculinity wants to serve his woman. This is not about being submissive. This is about being the giving, protecting, masculine energy in a relationship.
So Lisa and I were allowed to ask for anything we wanted, and the man was to check in with himself and find the place inside where he could say a clear "yes" to what we were asking. Then Lisa and I were instructed to tell him how much we believed that he really meant what he said. This is something we could sense and feel in his vibe, in his voice, in his body language, etc.
One of the men had already deeply connected with me earlier in the workshop. He approached me, and I felt in his whole being, before he ever opened his mouth, how much he wanted to give to me as his woman. This felt so comforting. It opened up a space where I could feel relaxed about asking for what I truly wanted. There was no urge to hide myself.
So I said, "oh, I'm really hungry. And I'd love to go to that beautiful little romantic Italian restaurant that we both loved. Remember that one? Can we go there honey?"
And he took my hand and looked into my eyes and said, with his whole being, YES.
Now Hristiyan interjected and explained to the guys something along these lines:
"Now, after you've said yes to this, you go and make the restaurant reservation. You take care of the parking and all the logistics. That way, she can go run up to her room, get dressed up, put on her makeup, and feel feminine. She doesn't want to worry about that stuff. If you take care of it, she can surrender into her feminine energy and into the relationship with you."
Amen, Hristiyan. On an earlier post, someone commented that it wasn't the chivalry that matters to me as much as it is the guy's willingness to do something that I've said is important to me. And that is true. It's also true that it absolutely is not about the money. Even if I were married, and all of our money was in the same pot, I would still want my man to pay for everything on dates. I would still want him to take care of logistics.
What I realized at Hristiyan's workshop is that the chivalry thing really goes much deeper than many guys realize. We are not talking about a man being chilvrous in a needy, approval-seeking way (believe me, Hristiyan has no tolerance for men being needy and approval seeking). We are talking about a man being so in touch with his masculinity that he WANTS TO GIVE to his woman. It makes him feel like a man. It allows her to be a woman. He is in touch with the part of himself that realizes there is no loss in giving, only gain. He is in touch with the part of himself that realizes that a woman can only surrender to him completely if he is willing to take care of those aspects of the relationship. And at some deep subconscious level that most people have lost touch with, he realizes that she will be FAR MORE SEXUALLY RESPONSIVE with him because she trusts him. Without trust, there can be no full surrender.
What was really fascinating in the workshop was to see what happened when "bigger" requests were made. For example, Lisa asked this:
"John, I know you're only 22, but I'm ready to have a baby, and I really want to have a baby with you. Can we do that?"
The guy paused, checked in deep within himself, and ultimately said YES. And the entire room believed him. Later, he told us he had felt an initial hesitation but that when he was in touch with that masculine core, he was able to say an authentic yes.
And isn't that the kind of world we want to live in? A world where a man is so confident and centered and in touch with their masculine, giving energy, that he wants to give his woman everything. As Hristiyan asks them, over and over again in the workshop, "Would you die for her?"
So this is what I look for in men. Is he giving in bed? Is he willing to be chivalrous? Do I believe him when he says yes? Do I understand him when he says no? (Lisa and I found, as women, that we were able to hear a man say "no" to our requests if we could sense that he really wanted to give us what we had asked for but that in that moment his desire to serve us was being trumped by his need to be on his path.) Does this man care about my happiness? Can I trust him? Can I surrender to his masculine energy? Does he have what it takes to lead me?
At a subconscious level, these are the questions that a woman is always asking herself. For me to feel safe in a relationship, the man needs to lead consistently. He needs to hold space for my feelings rather than arguing with them. He needs to be developed enough as a man that he is giving to me for the sheer pleasure of giving, and not with the worry of what he is going to get in return.
Of course, he will receive plenty in return. He will be with a woman who feels liberated to be her most feminine, radiant self. She will inevitably give back in many other ways (most men, for example, would be financially better off with me as their partner than without me -- money is not and never has been the point of all this). And she will be turned on by him, and she will trust him and feel safe with him.
It's so challenging to describe all of this in a blog post. I wish every one of my blog readers could have participated in this workshop. Then it would be easy to see that asking for chivalry is not about "taking advantage" of men. It's about creating and living in a world where the divine masculine and feminine energies have space to play.
I have written about chivalry before, and its importance to a feminine woman, and have been on the receiving end of much skepticism.
After Hristiyan's workshop, I am even more in touch with my feelings about this, and even more aware of the fact that I am only sexually attracted to men who are chivalrous. Let me tell you why.
We did an exercise during the workshop where the intention was for the man to find the place within himself to say a clear "yes" to his woman.
So each man in the workshop would approach me or Lisa (the other woman) and say "How may I serve you, my lady?" Hristiyan had already taught them that a man who is deeply connected with his masculinity wants to serve his woman. This is not about being submissive. This is about being the giving, protecting, masculine energy in a relationship.
So Lisa and I were allowed to ask for anything we wanted, and the man was to check in with himself and find the place inside where he could say a clear "yes" to what we were asking. Then Lisa and I were instructed to tell him how much we believed that he really meant what he said. This is something we could sense and feel in his vibe, in his voice, in his body language, etc.
One of the men had already deeply connected with me earlier in the workshop. He approached me, and I felt in his whole being, before he ever opened his mouth, how much he wanted to give to me as his woman. This felt so comforting. It opened up a space where I could feel relaxed about asking for what I truly wanted. There was no urge to hide myself.
So I said, "oh, I'm really hungry. And I'd love to go to that beautiful little romantic Italian restaurant that we both loved. Remember that one? Can we go there honey?"
And he took my hand and looked into my eyes and said, with his whole being, YES.
Now Hristiyan interjected and explained to the guys something along these lines:
"Now, after you've said yes to this, you go and make the restaurant reservation. You take care of the parking and all the logistics. That way, she can go run up to her room, get dressed up, put on her makeup, and feel feminine. She doesn't want to worry about that stuff. If you take care of it, she can surrender into her feminine energy and into the relationship with you."
Amen, Hristiyan. On an earlier post, someone commented that it wasn't the chivalry that matters to me as much as it is the guy's willingness to do something that I've said is important to me. And that is true. It's also true that it absolutely is not about the money. Even if I were married, and all of our money was in the same pot, I would still want my man to pay for everything on dates. I would still want him to take care of logistics.
What I realized at Hristiyan's workshop is that the chivalry thing really goes much deeper than many guys realize. We are not talking about a man being chilvrous in a needy, approval-seeking way (believe me, Hristiyan has no tolerance for men being needy and approval seeking). We are talking about a man being so in touch with his masculinity that he WANTS TO GIVE to his woman. It makes him feel like a man. It allows her to be a woman. He is in touch with the part of himself that realizes there is no loss in giving, only gain. He is in touch with the part of himself that realizes that a woman can only surrender to him completely if he is willing to take care of those aspects of the relationship. And at some deep subconscious level that most people have lost touch with, he realizes that she will be FAR MORE SEXUALLY RESPONSIVE with him because she trusts him. Without trust, there can be no full surrender.
What was really fascinating in the workshop was to see what happened when "bigger" requests were made. For example, Lisa asked this:
"John, I know you're only 22, but I'm ready to have a baby, and I really want to have a baby with you. Can we do that?"
The guy paused, checked in deep within himself, and ultimately said YES. And the entire room believed him. Later, he told us he had felt an initial hesitation but that when he was in touch with that masculine core, he was able to say an authentic yes.
And isn't that the kind of world we want to live in? A world where a man is so confident and centered and in touch with their masculine, giving energy, that he wants to give his woman everything. As Hristiyan asks them, over and over again in the workshop, "Would you die for her?"
So this is what I look for in men. Is he giving in bed? Is he willing to be chivalrous? Do I believe him when he says yes? Do I understand him when he says no? (Lisa and I found, as women, that we were able to hear a man say "no" to our requests if we could sense that he really wanted to give us what we had asked for but that in that moment his desire to serve us was being trumped by his need to be on his path.) Does this man care about my happiness? Can I trust him? Can I surrender to his masculine energy? Does he have what it takes to lead me?
At a subconscious level, these are the questions that a woman is always asking herself. For me to feel safe in a relationship, the man needs to lead consistently. He needs to hold space for my feelings rather than arguing with them. He needs to be developed enough as a man that he is giving to me for the sheer pleasure of giving, and not with the worry of what he is going to get in return.
Of course, he will receive plenty in return. He will be with a woman who feels liberated to be her most feminine, radiant self. She will inevitably give back in many other ways (most men, for example, would be financially better off with me as their partner than without me -- money is not and never has been the point of all this). And she will be turned on by him, and she will trust him and feel safe with him.
It's so challenging to describe all of this in a blog post. I wish every one of my blog readers could have participated in this workshop. Then it would be easy to see that asking for chivalry is not about "taking advantage" of men. It's about creating and living in a world where the divine masculine and feminine energies have space to play.
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